Horrifying, Scarrifying, Creepifying: Commercials We Hate

Note: This is a list of commercials that we hate that have RECENTLY been on air.  Not of all time.  That list would probably be much longer.

10.  Chocolate Skittles.  First off, ew.  Chocolate Skittles don’t sound very appetizing to begin with.  Second off…um… huh? I don’t get it.  What’s the point?  Why is there a pinata guy holding Skittles?  What’s this supposed to be advertising, again?  All I can look at is the creepy guy made out of paper mache.

9.  Lamisil. Digger, the cartoony little bug thingie.  The nailbed.  The icky little bug scurrying his way underneath your toenail.  Not a pretty image, and not something people want to think about. There has to be a better way for Lamisil to get its point across.

8. Enzyte. I have to say, I’m kind of sick of seeing creepy, smiling Bob with his impressive hard-on on my television.  We get it, Bob.  You’re taking Enzyte, and your wang has grown much larger as a result.  You’re creepy and happy and getting laid a lot more frequently now.  But can’t you use someone else, for your awful commercials, Enzyte?  Because Bob freaks me out.  He looks like a creepy rapist.  He looks like he wants to murder everyone that’s in the commercials with him–maybe with his impressive erection, who knows.  We get it.  Bob’s happy.  Can’t you help someone else now?  How about Tom, or Fred, or George?  Or just go balls out and call him Dick. Anyone but Bob! And please, please stop with the obnoxious whistling already.

7.  Disaronno.  Are you marketing this commercial to mildly retarded people?  “Today, we’re going to learn how to make Disaronno and lemon.  Add ice.  Two ounces of Disaronno, and squeeze a lemon!  Voila!  Disaronno and lemon!”  Well no shit!  Wow.  I’m SO impressed with your wild and crazy drink recipe.  It’s sooo exotic.  C’mon.  How about Disaronno and ginger ale? What could possibly be the ingredients for that drink? Couldn’t you at least come up with something a little more complicated?  Or maybe something with more than two ingredients?

6.  Snuggies. Who has ever had trouble using a blanket?  If you want to stay warm but need your hands, wear an effing robe!  Seriously.  It’s a ridiculous product, and those people sitting in the stands look like they’re in a cult. Which is probably not something you want to advertise at a sporting event.

5.  Billy Mays. STOP YELLING AT US!  We get it, you’re really into whatever you’re advertising–all 2,485 products–but PLEASE, enough with the yelling.  Didn’t your mom ever teach you about inside voices? We can’t even pay attention to what you’re trying to advertise because you won’t stop yelling.

4. AT&T and the talking thumbs.  Amelie and I don’t even know what phone this commercial is advertising, because we hate it so much that we change the channel or mute the television every time it comes on our TV screens.  THUMBS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE FACES!  Or hair.  Or hats.  And thumbs don’t talk!  Couldn’t you have said something about how awesome the phone is and how easy it is to text message without getting retarded looking thumbs to say retarded sounding things ? (“I’m laughing on the dark, abysmal inside. Huh huh.”)  It’s disturbing, and we don’t like it.

3.  Mentos. You’ve seen it.  A guy is sitting by the water cooler at work and pops a Mentos in his mouth.  Suddenly, this lady comes up to him and starts drinking from his mouth.  I’m assuming because his Mentos breath was so tasty.  EW.  I don’t care how good someone smells, that’s just nasty.  There aren’t any other words for it.  NASTY!

2.  Sham Wow! Um, sham NO.  You cannot convince me with your clever little camera cut-aways that those little towels pick up everything without even pressing on them.  I’m sorry, I’m not that dense.  Not to mention that even the stains on the table that you’re demonstrating on change between cutaways.  Couldn’t you at least make it a LITTLE believable?  And why the hell does the guy have a mic on?  Is that really necessary?  It just looks dumb.  And most important of all, who actually spends $20 a month on paper towels?

1.  XBox 360.  You know the one.  A strange looking person is on your television screen.  A red-headed lady, or a dark haired little boy.  They’re looking at something with what’s supposed to be an expression of awe or amazement on their faces, and suddenly the camera pans around to reveal that THEY HAVE NO BRAIN!  Who thought this would be anything other than creepy?  And what point is it supposed to make?  Because to me, this commercial says, “Buy an XBox if you want to be brainless and mechanical.”  Somehow, I don’t think that was the point they intended to make.

And now for something slightly less disturbing: amelie just showed me the new product from the Sham Wow guy. We don’t hate this one as much as the Sham Wow commercial, but only because it’s dirty, and we’re 12. “You’re gonna love my nuts!” Probably not, Sham Wow guy, but thanks for trying.

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I know that voice…

I’ve noticed recently that there are a lot of actors doing voiceover work in commercials. It drives me crazy, because I can’t always pinpoint who’s doing the talking. So far, I’ve recognized Gary Sinise (Army), Patrick Dempsey (State Farm and Mazda), Kate Walsh (Cadillac), Zach Braff (Cottonelle toilet paper), Lauren Graham (Special K and maybe a credit card commercial) and John Corbett and Wanda Sykes (Applebees).

Am I right about all of these? Have I missed someone? Does it drive you crazy when you can’t recognize someone’s voice, or am I just a freak?

You know what, don’t answer that last question. I think I already know what you’re going to say…

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