Let us tell you how we really feel

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April 1, 2010 at 8:07 am Leave a comment

The healing powers of Sonic’s Tater Tots

Basic Math:

Excedrin + a big, cold, fizzy (Diet) Coke + Sonic tater tots = the best headache remedy ever.

Someone should seriously research this.  I bet Sonic and Coke could market the hell out of it.

Back story: I work with someone who has always SWORN that whenever she gets a headache, she runs to Sonic and grabs some greasy tater tots, and as soon as she’s done eating, her headache’s gone.  I, of course, was a bit skeptical about this.  However, when you have a headache from hell, you’re pretty much willing to try everything short of drilling a hole in your head.   amelie was desperate.  She tried it.  And HOLY MEATBALLS! IT WORKED!  So last Thursday I, too, had a headache from hell, and NOTHING got rid of it.  Not Excedrin.  Not caffeine.  Not prescription pain meds.  NOTHING.  But GREASY FOOD WORKED, OMG!

It either works, or it’s the best placebo in the world.  Either way?  Awesome.

PS: We’re not dead, we’ve been restin’. Pining for the fjords. Hopefully we’ll be back to blogging fairly regularly now.

March 25, 2010 at 11:20 am Leave a comment

Who Said That? All things Glee

So, there’s this show called Glee, and it has eaten my brain. I thought we could play a quick Glee edition of Who Said That. Since you already know the show, I want who said each quote and what episode it’s in. Remember the rules, and NO CHEATING.

1. Who’s Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent down to release platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critics’ Choice Award.

2. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

3. We’re planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

4. Are you guys really that stupid? I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were really roommates.

5. Not everyone’s going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That’s why I pay taxes–it keeps garbage men earning a living…So they can afford tacos. For their family.

6. Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a fake I.D. because he looks like an eleven-year-old milkmaid.

7. You’re fired! And I’m taller than you.

8. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I’ve sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens.

9. I don’t think any one decision makes your life…unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or something.

10. My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I’m not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.

11. Bye, white people.

12. Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there’s a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school’s in Thailand.

13. This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.

14. Do you want to captain the Titanic too?

15. When I woke up, I knew it was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew and the Good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.

October 23, 2009 at 1:10 pm 10 comments

It’s official. Our kids are stupid.

This is an actual conversation between the night supervisor at work and a research associate, Brittnay:

Brittnay: I’m gonna leave for an hour to have dinner with family that’s visiting from out of town.  I’ll be back, so can I just leave this call sheet at my cubicle for later?

Supervisor: Yeah ok.  What area are you calling?

Brittnay: What do you mean?

Supervisor: What area of the country are you calling?

Brittnay: Oh.  I don’t know.  They’re nice though!

Supervisor: …you don’t know?

Brittnay: No.  How do I tell?

Supervisor: ...(shocked silence)… Look at the state column on your call sheet.

Brittnay: (long pause as she studies call sheet) it says PA, whatever that means.

Supervisor: …(shocked silence)… Ok.  That means Pennsylvania.

Brittnay: Oh really?  I always wondered what those letters meant.

What’s ESPECIALLY awful is that this chick is 19 years old.  NINETEEN.  I learned my states–and their abbreviations and their capitals and where they were on a map–in freaking SIXTH GRADE!  Sixth grade!  How the heck did she graduate high school if she doesn’t even know what “PA” means under a column titled “State”?  How does she send letters or pay bills?!

I think this is what’s wrong with America today.  Our kids are stupid.

Also, her name is spelled B-R-I-T-T-N-A-Y.  Brittnay.  BRITTNAY.  Not Britney or Brittany, the two most common ways to spell that name, but Brittnay.  You don’t even freaking PRONOUNCE it that way. Ugh.

October 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm 1 comment

From Dixie, with love

I woke up this morning to this lovely little ESPN article.

I’ll give you a little back story.  amelie and I live in Mississippi.  We’re Southern girls.  We went to college at Ole Miss, and we’re very proud of that.  We like our little town, we like being Southern, and no, we’re not racist.  Not even a little bit.

But living in the South has its drawbacks.  People walk on tip toes when it comes to anything related to race.  We don’t want to offend people.  And Ole Miss, particularly, has a bad history when it comes to race relations, so the administration tends to tread even more carefully than everyone else.

Before, during, and after every football game, the Ole Miss Band (“The Pride of the South”) plays From Dixie with Love, which gets all the students pumped up.  A few years ago–I’m not even sure who started it or why–at the every end of the song, drunken college students started chanting, “The South will rise again!”

Okay.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, I can honestly say that I don’t think ANYONE who yells that is saying in any way that they’d like black people to be slaves again.  I don’t think ANYONE means it that way.  The way I take it is, one day the South isn’t going to be the armpit of the United States.  One day, we’re going to be awesome [amelie: It already is, but it’s a well-kept secret. Shh. Don’t tell.] One day, people will acknowledge that the SEC has the best football teams [amelie: Word].  That the people in the South are really nice and not uneducated rednecks. [amelie: More specifically, uneducated rednecks live everywhere, not just the South.] One day, we’ll have salaries that compare with the rest of the country.  One day, people won’t think of a Southern accent as a bad thing. [amelie: One day, Hollywood will learn that Louisiana accents ARE NOT THE SAME as Mississippi accents, which aren’t the same as Georgia accents, and that Texas is West not South.] One day, the South will be equal to the rest of the United States.

It’s a nice dream, right?  I think so.  Probably won’t happen any time soon (if ever) but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming.

Having said that, I can see why people are offended.  I don’t really care whether people say it or not.  I’m kind of neutral on the whole thing.  Mostly because I’m not very politically correct and I think it’s stupid to TRY to be politically correct, because you’re ALWAYS going to offend someone.  But I can see why people don’t like it, and I can completely understand why people are trying to stop others from saying it.

(But why is replacing “The South will rise again” with “To Hell with LSU!” any better?  Couldn’t that be considered hateful, too? [amelie: Hell fucking no. What kind of Rebel fan are you?!]) [kegger:  I’m just sayin’.  You’re wishing someone to go to hell.  Which, yeah, I know we say that EVERY FREAKING game, but still.  Can’t they both be considered hateful?  Yes.  They can.] [amelie: IT’S ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. Also: WTF–“To Hell with LSU?” Ew. Why not stick with the less-retarded, more action-packed “Go to Hell, LSU?”][kegger: Because apparently it doesn’t fit and flow with the chant.  Even though it has the freaking EXACT same amount of syllables.]

Anyway.  I can understand why the University is trying to stop that chant.  But you’d REALLY think that they’d realize by now that if you ask the students not to do something like that (remember the flag debacle?  Or when they tried to get rid of Colonel Reb?) it’s just going to piss them off and they’re going to do it even more?

A lot of people didn’t even really know about the chant.  You could really only hear it from the student section.  So bringing it to attention (in the student newspaper, and in the Tupelo paper) just made it worse.  Now, once again, we’re in the national news because we’re supposedly racist.  And once again, people think we’re uneducated rednecks.

In reality, it probably would have gone away on it’s own (students had already started a whole grassroots movement thing to replace it with “To hell with LSU”–and it was working) [amelie: GO TO HELL LSU OH MY GOD. I will not chant “To hell with LSU.” GROSS.] if people had just let it go.  Now?  It’s probably here to say just because they pissed people off.

Good job, university officials!  Thanks for bringing it to everyone’s attention and making it worse!

Maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way.  But I’m just so sick of only ever hearing negative things about Ole Miss.  There’s a lot of great things going on there, but you never get to hear about them.  Instead, you only hear about the occasional controversy.

Maybe one day we’ll get away from our past, but either way, we all know that it will be a VERY long time before the South rises again–if we ever do. [amelie: because, let’s face it, in this economy, we’re all poor.  If there are two things America needs right now, it’s sunshine and optimism. Also angels. Or hot guys in leather jackets.]

October 23, 2009 at 11:39 am 4 comments

Ten for Ten

With the recent release of pictures Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor and this weekend’s airing of “Planet of the Dead”, kegger and I are in a Doctor Who mood. Here are our top ten Ten moments from the past three years, in no particular order.

1. Rude and Not Ginger

Series 2, “The Christmas Invasion”

This one isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things, but it does help set up important points in Ten’s personality: He’s rude and not ginger. Mostly we just like the way Rose calls him “sort of…brown.” Heh.

2. Timey Wimey Stuff

Series 3, “Blink”

One of the best explanations of time travel ever. It all makes sense in a total nonsense way.

(more…)

July 29, 2009 at 9:13 am Leave a comment

Is it just us…

…or is this guy/frog/whatever-the-hell very stereotypically gay?

Ya’ll know that amelie and I have a love/hate relationship with Disney.  Disney is awesome, but then they’ll do something that makes my soul die, like making Tod and Copper not friends.  (It’s just not right, dammit!)  But we’ve ranted about that before.

Well, today I stumbled upon a trailer for their newest Disney animated princess movie:

They’re taking it from The Frog Prince story (except they’re calling it The Princess and the Frog–which totally doesn’t sound right, but whatever, Disney.) and Disney has decided that it’s about time we had a black princess, which I’m fine with.  But the instant I saw this trailer, I thought two things:

  1. Dude.  Who cares if the princess is black?  Fairy tale princesses are NOT ghetto.  And this princess is talking like she wants to be ghetto.  Princesses are trained and schooled and refined.
  2. That frog is so stereotypically gay it’s not even funny.  I mean, I know he’s supposed to be her Prince Charming, and they wear tights and capes and other clothes that would make Liberace jealous, but Prince Frog is trying too hard to play it straight. He probably stays in his castle dancing to Judy Garland records with his “best friend” Michigan J. Frog.

This movie seems doomed from the start.  A ghetto princess, a gay prince, and as amelie brought up to me, you KNOW people are going to bitch about them being an interracial couple.  (Even though, dude, he’s gay.  They’d totally be BFFs, not boyfriend/girlfriend.)  And in response to the interracial couple thing, we present you with  exhibit A:  Beauty and the Beast, and exhibit B:  The Little Mermaid.  What’s worse?  Beastiality or interracial dating?

But still.  That frog is totally gay.

Edit: After we wrote this, amelie said this in an e-mail.  I freaking love it: You know what I realized, editing that post? This is the worst Disney movie ever. It’s got homosexuality, beastiality, and an interracial couple. Now I kind of want to see it.

Edit again in amelie’s defense because she didn’t think anyone but kegger was going to read that: Not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuality or interracial couples. (You’re on your own, chicken lovers). It’s just all three in one movie…it’s a lot. Bold move, Disney.

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June 8, 2009 at 2:21 pm Leave a comment

It’s called “sex” not “making love”

Once again, amelie and I have found yet another random thing that we have in common. Last night I was watching Doogie Howser with Puddle. Don’t judge–Niel Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother gave Puddle and me the itch to watch it. [amelie: NPH gives me the itch to…um. What?] During the first episode, someone says something about “making love.” amelie and I were e-mailing back and forth (as usual), and I couldn’t help but bring up how much I HATE that phrase. I can’t even tell you why I hate that phrase. I just do. It makes me cringe for some reason every time I hear it. It just seems so awkward and fake and… ick. And of course, since we’re, like, the exact same freakin’ person, she comes back with, OMG, I HATE THAT PHRASE, TOO! [amelie: Technically, I said, “OMG That Term is one of my least favorite phrases EVER!] [kegger: Yeah, yeah. Details, details.]

[Side note: From now on, we will be referring to That Term as “shitting on turtles.”]

I mean, seriously. What the hell does shitting on turtles mean, anyway? How exactly do you shit on turtles? How does that work? The whole phrase makes no sense. In this day and age, half the people who shit on turtles aren’t even in love with each other, they’re just random sex buddies or one night stands. [Side note the second: neither amelie nor I have random sex buddies or one night stands. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; we just don’t roll that way. Unless it’s one of both of one of Two Certain Someones Who Are Too Hot To Live then we might consider it. Because they’re effing hot.] [amelie: Mmhmm.] [kegger: For those of you who are crazy curious, you remember that AWESOME picture that amelie shared with me that we didn’t share? One of the guys is him. And… wow. Just wow.] [amelie: it’s the gift that keeps on giving. You’re welcome.] Since you aren’t in love with the person, you shouldn’t really be able to consider sex with said person to be shitting on turtles.

It’s sex. Plain and simple. It’s just sex. It’s not shitting on turtles. Why do people have so much trouble saying the word “sex”? Why do they have to make it sound all flowery and romantic by calling it shitting on turtles? I don’t get it. Is it one of those words people hate saying, like “penis” or “vagina”? [Side note part the third: I don’t really like the word “vagina.” It just sounds icky to me. Penis, I can handle. But, as you can see, I’m still typing it, instead of calling it something flowery, like “lady parts” or “girly bits” or some other ridiculous phrase.] [amelie: I don’t have a problem with either word. They way I see it, if a kindergartner can say it, so can I.][kegger: I don’t think I knew that word in kindergarten. What teacher did YOU have?!? We called them “tootoo’s” and “peepee’s”. Yes, I know. Cheesy.][amelie: *rolls eyes* I didn’t say I said “penis” or “vagina” in kindergarten. Did you even click on the link? I bet you didn’t. I don’t insert links for my own amusement. Well, okay, I do, but they are informational.][kegger: I’ll get to the link eventually.  I’m a procrastinator, remember?!]

And who talks like that, anyway? If Puddle ever said, “Let’s shit on turtles” to me, I would bust out laughing. I just wouldn’t be able to take it seriously. We just don’t talk like that. It’s weird. Likewise, I would never be able to say, “shit on turtles with me!” and keep a straight face. It’s just too damn cheesy.

I mean… seriously… who says that? Besides the actors on TV.

mostly with a sprinkle of

June 4, 2009 at 1:31 pm 1 comment

Let Us Direct Your Attention

To this little bit of insanity. Look, we don’t watch One Tree Hill, which we’re sure has many wonderful, entertaining moments. But this? Is probably not one of those moments.

Heart transplants: Not funny
Klutzy couriers carrying a cooler with a heart transplant and faceplanting onto the hospital floor: a little funny
Heart projectiling out of the cooler and skidding across the floor: even funnier, but only because it’s a fake heart on a fictional tv show and no real hearts were damaged during filming.
Random dog in a hospital waiting room: WTF? No, really. WTF is a dog doing in a hospital waiting room? Dudes, we live in Mississippi and even here they don’t allow dogs in hospital waiting rooms.
Random dog EATING THE FAKE HEART and NO ONE DOES ANYTHING TO STOP HIM: HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! HAHAHAHAHA! oh, what the hell. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play.

Yep. Never gets old.

June 2, 2009 at 10:02 am Leave a comment

Finale Wrap-Up part 2

Epic fail. EPIC FAIL. How long has this post been sitting on my computer and I’ve been to damn lazy to post it? I suck. Anyway. On to part 2.

Oh, and we were going to add Bones to the wrap-up, but neither kegger nor I watch that show (I catch the reruns on TNT every now and then), and our back-up blogger is MIA with bar review. (PSST–brooklyn, how’s it going?). And I swear there was another show in here, but fuck if I remember what it was.

How I Met Your Mother
Break-Ups: Robin and Barney
Make-Ups: Robin and Barney
Break-Ups: Robin and Barney
Make-Ups: Robin and Barney
Shake-Ups: Robin finds out Barney is in love with her and tries to Mosby him (telling him she’s in love with him like Ted did to her in the pilot, thus killing any feelings Barney may have) multiple times, only it doesn’t really work, and it turns out that she might have real feelings for him. Marshall finally takes the leap and jumps to the neighbor’s tricked-out roof and doesn’t die. Everyone else takes the leap, too. Oh, and Ted gets his ass kicked by Missy Mr. Goat in an awesome “Murder Train” montage.
Tumor Count: None, although Ted did have a goat-hoof-print on his forehead for a while, which is funnier than it should be.
Possible Spin-Off: Missy the Goat Kicks Your Ass. Does what it says on the tin–Missy the Goat sneaks into your house and kicks your ass.

Supernatural, Lucifer Rising

Break-Ups: Sam and Dean, briefly. Dean and Castiel, briefly. Sam and Ruby, permanently motherfuckers, HELL YEAH.

Make-Ups: Sam and Dean, possibly, although I’m still not convinced they’re back to their normal levels of brothers-who-sort-of-like-each-other-ness, yet. Dean and Castiel (renegade angel, oh my stars!)

Shake-Ups: Sam kills Lilith, whose death was the final seal. Dumbass. Lucifer is set free. Ruby has been playing Sam’s dumbass the entire time, but Dean, with a little help from broken puppy dumbass Sammy, kills her deader than any dead thing that ever died, and much rejoicing was heard across the internet.

Tumor Count: Does Ruby count? Because I think she infected my tv with some sort of demonic virus. Bitch.

Possible Spin-Offs: Propheteering, in which the prophet Chuck and the angel Castiel use Chuck’s knowledge of the future to avert the apocalypse and save people from horrible deaths, all financed by Chuck’s incredible lottery luck. Operates in the same universe as Supernatural, so cross-over episodes are easily produced and highly encouraged. Watch Ruby Die, in wich Sam and Dean kill Ruby over and over and over and over again.

June 1, 2009 at 6:23 pm Leave a comment

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