Posts filed under ‘not awesome’

It’s official. Our kids are stupid.

This is an actual conversation between the night supervisor at work and a research associate, Brittnay:

Brittnay: I’m gonna leave for an hour to have dinner with family that’s visiting from out of town.  I’ll be back, so can I just leave this call sheet at my cubicle for later?

Supervisor: Yeah ok.  What area are you calling?

Brittnay: What do you mean?

Supervisor: What area of the country are you calling?

Brittnay: Oh.  I don’t know.  They’re nice though!

Supervisor: …you don’t know?

Brittnay: No.  How do I tell?

Supervisor: ...(shocked silence)… Look at the state column on your call sheet.

Brittnay: (long pause as she studies call sheet) it says PA, whatever that means.

Supervisor: …(shocked silence)… Ok.  That means Pennsylvania.

Brittnay: Oh really?  I always wondered what those letters meant.

What’s ESPECIALLY awful is that this chick is 19 years old.  NINETEEN.  I learned my states–and their abbreviations and their capitals and where they were on a map–in freaking SIXTH GRADE!  Sixth grade!  How the heck did she graduate high school if she doesn’t even know what “PA” means under a column titled “State”?  How does she send letters or pay bills?!

I think this is what’s wrong with America today.  Our kids are stupid.

Also, her name is spelled B-R-I-T-T-N-A-Y.  Brittnay.  BRITTNAY.  Not Britney or Brittany, the two most common ways to spell that name, but Brittnay.  You don’t even freaking PRONOUNCE it that way. Ugh.

October 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm 1 comment

From Dixie, with love

I woke up this morning to this lovely little ESPN article.

I’ll give you a little back story.  amelie and I live in Mississippi.  We’re Southern girls.  We went to college at Ole Miss, and we’re very proud of that.  We like our little town, we like being Southern, and no, we’re not racist.  Not even a little bit.

But living in the South has its drawbacks.  People walk on tip toes when it comes to anything related to race.  We don’t want to offend people.  And Ole Miss, particularly, has a bad history when it comes to race relations, so the administration tends to tread even more carefully than everyone else.

Before, during, and after every football game, the Ole Miss Band (“The Pride of the South”) plays From Dixie with Love, which gets all the students pumped up.  A few years ago–I’m not even sure who started it or why–at the every end of the song, drunken college students started chanting, “The South will rise again!”

Okay.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, I can honestly say that I don’t think ANYONE who yells that is saying in any way that they’d like black people to be slaves again.  I don’t think ANYONE means it that way.  The way I take it is, one day the South isn’t going to be the armpit of the United States.  One day, we’re going to be awesome [amelie: It already is, but it’s a well-kept secret. Shh. Don’t tell.] One day, people will acknowledge that the SEC has the best football teams [amelie: Word].  That the people in the South are really nice and not uneducated rednecks. [amelie: More specifically, uneducated rednecks live everywhere, not just the South.] One day, we’ll have salaries that compare with the rest of the country.  One day, people won’t think of a Southern accent as a bad thing. [amelie: One day, Hollywood will learn that Louisiana accents ARE NOT THE SAME as Mississippi accents, which aren’t the same as Georgia accents, and that Texas is West not South.] One day, the South will be equal to the rest of the United States.

It’s a nice dream, right?  I think so.  Probably won’t happen any time soon (if ever) but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming.

Having said that, I can see why people are offended.  I don’t really care whether people say it or not.  I’m kind of neutral on the whole thing.  Mostly because I’m not very politically correct and I think it’s stupid to TRY to be politically correct, because you’re ALWAYS going to offend someone.  But I can see why people don’t like it, and I can completely understand why people are trying to stop others from saying it.

(But why is replacing “The South will rise again” with “To Hell with LSU!” any better?  Couldn’t that be considered hateful, too? [amelie: Hell fucking no. What kind of Rebel fan are you?!]) [kegger:  I’m just sayin’.  You’re wishing someone to go to hell.  Which, yeah, I know we say that EVERY FREAKING game, but still.  Can’t they both be considered hateful?  Yes.  They can.] [amelie: IT’S ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. Also: WTF–“To Hell with LSU?” Ew. Why not stick with the less-retarded, more action-packed “Go to Hell, LSU?”][kegger: Because apparently it doesn’t fit and flow with the chant.  Even though it has the freaking EXACT same amount of syllables.]

Anyway.  I can understand why the University is trying to stop that chant.  But you’d REALLY think that they’d realize by now that if you ask the students not to do something like that (remember the flag debacle?  Or when they tried to get rid of Colonel Reb?) it’s just going to piss them off and they’re going to do it even more?

A lot of people didn’t even really know about the chant.  You could really only hear it from the student section.  So bringing it to attention (in the student newspaper, and in the Tupelo paper) just made it worse.  Now, once again, we’re in the national news because we’re supposedly racist.  And once again, people think we’re uneducated rednecks.

In reality, it probably would have gone away on it’s own (students had already started a whole grassroots movement thing to replace it with “To hell with LSU”–and it was working) [amelie: GO TO HELL LSU OH MY GOD. I will not chant “To hell with LSU.” GROSS.] if people had just let it go.  Now?  It’s probably here to say just because they pissed people off.

Good job, university officials!  Thanks for bringing it to everyone’s attention and making it worse!

Maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way.  But I’m just so sick of only ever hearing negative things about Ole Miss.  There’s a lot of great things going on there, but you never get to hear about them.  Instead, you only hear about the occasional controversy.

Maybe one day we’ll get away from our past, but either way, we all know that it will be a VERY long time before the South rises again–if we ever do. [amelie: because, let’s face it, in this economy, we’re all poor.  If there are two things America needs right now, it’s sunshine and optimism. Also angels. Or hot guys in leather jackets.]

October 23, 2009 at 11:39 am 4 comments

Weekly Wrap-Up

Fucking finally, right?

What we loved:
Television
Chuck:

amelie: CHUCK. A million, trillion, billionty times, I love Chuck. But more important than my love of Chuck is the fact that Casey loves Chuck (we already knew that Sarah loves Chuck. That’s not news.) He still hates being Team Chuck’s little fat kid, and I think that’s adorable. I want a Casey in my life. I have a feeling he’d kill spiders for me in a second.

kegger: CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK!  I’m going to be so pissed if this show is cancelled.  And I flipping LOVE Casey and Awesome.  And Chuck.  And Sarah.  And hell.  Everyone else, too.  I could go on for about 15 minutes about Chuck, but I’m going to stop now. (Ahem.  If you haven’t seen Chuck yet, you should totally click on one of the bazillion hyperlinks I added and watch a few dozen episodes.)

The Office:
amelie:
Oh, The Office, how I’ve missed you. I haven’t really been feeling the love this season, but last night was brilliant: the return of awesome, competent Jim; Charles getting schooled in the ways of Dwight; the “idiot” ringtone; Ryan not being a total douchebag asshole…I could go on. But I won’t.

kegger: I loved Jim in this episode.  And yay, Charles is gone!  Finally!  I think.  And so awesome that instead of taking the $60,000, Michael got all of their jobs back.  And I hope Ryan keeps his “totally natural” blonde hair for a while, because every time I see it, it makes me giggle. Although I do have to say, I STILL don’t buy Angela crushing on Charles. I just don’t see it.

Party Down:

kegger: Okay, so I admit that I haven’t seen this week’s episode of Party Down yet, but I don’t care.  I flipping love this show, and if you don’t have Starz, you should totally watch it on Netflix.  The pilot ep was just okay.  After that, the show turned into all kinds of awesome.

amelie: I’m a week or so behind on Party Down, but I have loved every episode I’ve seen so far. Why aren’t you watching it?

Music

kegger: Missy Higgins–Okay, so the CD isn’t exactly new, but I just kind of discovered it on my iPod this week, and it’s mellow and great.  My two favorite songs are “Forgive Me” and “Warm Whispers.”

amelie: The Lonely Island–I’ve had Incredibad for a couple of weeks, and I still love it. It’s dirty and funny and ridiculous. My new favorite thing is to drive with the windows down and blast “I’m On a Boat” as loud as I can take it.

kegger: I’m on a boat, mothafucka!

amelie: Don’t you ever forget!

Books

kegger: I’m in a YA phase right now for some reason.  Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins is definitely worth a read.  Based on the description on the inside flap, I was just, meh.  But then I read it and loved it.  I’m looking forward to the sequel.

amelie: I’m not reading anything worth talking about, so moving on.

What we hated:

Television:

amelie: NBC is On Notice for even considering canceling Chuck. I’m still so pissed at ABC for the Pushing Daisies fiasco that I refuse to watch Castle (or maybe I just forget that it’s on because my Mondays are already stacked with awesome shows. I’ll never tell.) Consider this a pre-empitive hate, which I am more than willing to turn into a love if NBC nuts up and does the right thing.

Movies:

kegger:House“–Whatever you do, don’t rent this.  It’s awful.  It’s horrible.  It can’t decide what it wants to be.  Does it want to be all creepy, or mystery-like, or ghosty, or WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???!!!!  I mean… seriously.  Don’t watch it.  I was actually paying attention, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I was all like, “Huh?  Why is chick like, drowning under a slab of ice in a closet?!?” and stuff.  Not to mention, you really shouldn’t name your movie House when there’s already a popular show named House.  AND, can I just say that movies really need to work on getting the South right?  The architecture for that house was so off.  And so were their accents.  Just because we’re from the South doesn’t mean we’re creepy inbred rednecks, y’all.  And if we WERE creepy inbred rednecks, we’d be living in trailer parks.  Not in mansions.  Maybe you should actually, I don’t know, VISIT Montgomery, Alabama and see what it’s actually like there before you start making movies about it.

amelie: Creepy Inbred Rednecks is so the name of my imaginary band. I wasn’t even aware this was a movie until you started griping about how much it sucks. No movies to hate on this week for me. Ooh–can I hate on the 30 seconds of “Twilight” you made me watch? Because I really hated it.

kegger: You can count the 30 seconds of “Twilight” that I made you watch.  They really were the worst 30 seconds of the entire show.  He was supposed to look like he wanted to EAT her (dirty!) when he first smelled her.  Not like he wanted to vomit.

amelie: Heh. Eat her.

Pee Ess: I have edited this stupid thing forty bajillion times, and the size is still all wonky. I call shenanigans. Sorry.

&  

April 24, 2009 at 2:47 pm 1 comment

Friendship Over

Dear Facebook,

We need to talk.

I think we should see other people. It’s not me, it’s you. I feel like we’ve grown apart. We’re different people now, and it’s time for me to move on. Even though I stuck with you through your many face-lifts, I can’t sit by any longer and watch you turn yourself into a junked-up, over-populated MySpace clone.

I know I wasn’t as patient or supportive as I could have been, but now is not the time for regrets. I’ve tried to be understanding of your obsessive need to update my feed with quiz results, and now I feel like all I do is nag. “Stop with the quiz results, honey. I don’t care what Peanuts character you are. No, I don’t really want to know what mother-smurfing Smurf you are. Jesus, STOP WITH THE QUIZZES!” That’s not healthy for either of us.

It’s not just the quizzes, though. Your highlights are really more like don’t-care-lights. I’m a little sick of you asking me “What’s on your mind?” I don’t always have profound thoughts, Facebook. You should know that by now. Asking me “What’s on your mind?” only serves to remind me how shallow I am and puts me in a bad mood when I try and fail to think of something clever.

You know what’s not fun, Facebook? Having to change my privacy settings to keep things private from my family and coworkers. When we met, you were a fun way for me to keep up with my FRIENDS, not every Joe Blow who bumped into me on the street, not everybody I work with, attend church with, or see in the grocery store. You were fun. You were cool. But your insatiable need to grow and expand has left me feeling cold and alone and neglected. I miss the old you.

I know we said it was forever, but people change. I think we got too serious, too fast. I want something a little less stressful and cluttered, which is why I’ve been Twittering a lot lately. I’m sorry if that hurts you, Facebook, but it’s the truth. I just feel like Twitter understands me better than you do, even though you and I have history.

No matter what, I do want you to be happy. I would say that we can still be friends, but I’ve already deleted you.

April 13, 2009 at 9:10 pm Leave a comment

There are no words…

For how awful this book is.

And how did we stumble upon this link?  We plead the fifth.  But blaming it on a random WordPress blogroll sounds like a good excuse, don’t you think?!

April 8, 2009 at 2:41 pm 1 comment

What we hate: Disney Edition

Y’all know kegger and I are virtually the same person. We watch the same TV, read the same books, listen to the same music. Liking the same things also means hating the same things. And here’s one thing we both hate: The Fox and the Hound.

amelie: This is the first movie that ever made me mad that I watched it. I was furious. I remember thinking, “That’s it? THAT’S how it ends? ARE YOU KIDDING ME, DISNEY?!” I mean, I loved the beginning. I loved Tod and Copper being cute and having fun and just being friends. And then. And then they grew up. They grew up and life sucked. Like real life. Hey, where’s my happy Disney ending, huh? I don’t watch Disney movies to be depressed or to learn about real life through fables and talking animals. I watch them for the hidden innuendos the FREAKING HAPPY ENDINGS. Tod and Copper are supposed to stay friends. They’re not supposed to hunt each other and hurt each other and almost die because of a freaking bear, gosh. So, what’s the lesson, Disney? That you can’t overcome your differences and be friends with people (or species) who believe different things and lead different lives? Awesome message, Disney. Just fantastic.

It was bad enough watching Bambi’s mother get killed. Now I get to live with the disappointment and disillusionment that a fox and a hound can’t be BFFs.

And that’s probably the most ridiculous sentence I’ve ever written.

kegger: You forgot when they freaking killed Mufasa.  I’ve decided that Disney secretly likes to torture us. I mean, think about it. They killed Bambi’s mom. They killed Simba’s dad. They turned poor, sweet little Tod and Copper into enemies. AND, in addition to making us cry and pissing us off, they also sneak in pervy little things into their movies. Like priests having woodies, Aladdin telling us to take off our clothes, and leaves spelling out “sex” as they blow away in the breeze. Disney is supposed to be wholesome and feel-good. I’m supposed to have the warm fuzzies when I get done watching a Disney movie. Right? But NO. Instead, I get parents getting killed, sweet little animals hating each other, and priests having woodies. I can tolerate Bambi and The Lion King. But The Fox and the Hound freaking pisses me off. Mermaids obviously don’t exist. Animals don’t speak. There aren’t really faeries that sprinkle sleeping dust on people while the princess is asleep. So WHY the hell did they have to make The Fox and the Hound turn into enemies??! I’m sure that’s what would happen in real life, but this movie isn’t REAL LIFE!  It’s a freaking Disney movie! Disney movies aren’t supposed to be realistic! So yeah. Definitely boycotting The effing Fox and the effing Hound.

amelie: The subliminal pervy stuff is kind of funny. That priest with a boner at Ariel’s wedding? Hi-freaking-larious. And I think it was Genie who said take off your clothes (although I don’t think that one is true. I certainly never heard it.) Bambi breaks my heart, but at least he and Thumper and Flower didn’t hate each other when they grew up. And come on, Flower is a freaking skunk. If anyone is going to get hated on, it’s Flower. The Fox and the Hound: crushing children’s dreams since 1981.

kegger: I LOVE the pervy stuff. Because on the inside, I’m still only twelve-years-old. That’s why I still watch Disney movies! But still. It’s a Disney movie. They aren’t supposed to have woodies in Disney movies! And yeah, Genie (or Aladdin, whatever. I THINK it’s Aladdin, but I can’t remember) TOTALLY says, “Good kids take off their clothes.”  I’ve heard it. Disney, of course, claims that he’s saying, “Good kitty, get up and go!”  But no. He totally doesn’t say that. And why would he whisper it if that’s what he was really saying? I don’t think so. This, by the way, totally makes me want to have a Disney movie day. So we can see/hear all of the Disney pervy moments.

And I’m in complete agreement.  If any Disney character were to lose friends because of what they were, it would be Flower.  Because Flower smells like asshole.  And no matter how awesome he is, no one would want to be around that.  Tod and Copper should have stayed friends.  And because they didn’t, Disney sucks ass.

&     

March 25, 2009 at 12:35 pm 4 comments

An Open Letter to the Execs at ABC

To whom it may concern:

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you insane? Did you fall and hit your head on something hard? Were you all replaced by alien pods? I don’t understand why you feel it is necessary to yank around the millions–and, yes, there are MILLIONS of us–of Pushing Daisies fans. You’ve already canceled the show. Can you at least give us some closure?

I understand that these are tough economic times and you are, first and foremost, a company that wants to make money. But really, dear Sirs and Madams, I don’t give a rat’s greasy ass about that. Since I can’t have what I really want–a full 22 episode season 2 pick up and a third season–can’t you at least give me the final episodes?

If I’m not mistaken, they’ve already been shot and completed and retooled because you fuckers money-mongers assholes executives dicked around screwed messed up after the writers’ strike and didn’t put Pushing Daisies back on the post-strike schedule. Of course it’s going to bleed viewers. The American public is stupid fickle, and they have really short attention spans. But the loyal millions of us who tuned in every Wednesday night to see what was going on at the Pie Hole didn’t forget. We waited and waited and waited and were not disappointed when Ned and Emerson and the Pie Hoes came back. And then you stabbed us all in the back and canceled the show. I’m not asking for a last-minute reprieve (although I wouldn’t complain if Pushing Daisies got one). All I’m asking is to see the final episodes.

I know my one set of eyeballs doesn’t mean much to you. But there’s nothing on your schedule that is even remotely interesting to me. I don’t watch Lost. I hate Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Pushing Daisies is a finely crafted, well-acted, wonderfully written and clever show, and I will miss it more than you’ll miss me. I get that. But I can be a very vindictive bitch, so you guys might want to watch your backs. I hear opening a package of rotten pies can really ruin a day.

So for the love of God, air the final episodes.

January 7, 2009 at 10:34 am Leave a comment

Horrifying, Scarrifying, Creepifying: Commercials We Hate

Note: This is a list of commercials that we hate that have RECENTLY been on air.  Not of all time.  That list would probably be much longer.

10.  Chocolate Skittles.  First off, ew.  Chocolate Skittles don’t sound very appetizing to begin with.  Second off…um… huh? I don’t get it.  What’s the point?  Why is there a pinata guy holding Skittles?  What’s this supposed to be advertising, again?  All I can look at is the creepy guy made out of paper mache.

9.  Lamisil. Digger, the cartoony little bug thingie.  The nailbed.  The icky little bug scurrying his way underneath your toenail.  Not a pretty image, and not something people want to think about. There has to be a better way for Lamisil to get its point across.

8. Enzyte. I have to say, I’m kind of sick of seeing creepy, smiling Bob with his impressive hard-on on my television.  We get it, Bob.  You’re taking Enzyte, and your wang has grown much larger as a result.  You’re creepy and happy and getting laid a lot more frequently now.  But can’t you use someone else, for your awful commercials, Enzyte?  Because Bob freaks me out.  He looks like a creepy rapist.  He looks like he wants to murder everyone that’s in the commercials with him–maybe with his impressive erection, who knows.  We get it.  Bob’s happy.  Can’t you help someone else now?  How about Tom, or Fred, or George?  Or just go balls out and call him Dick. Anyone but Bob! And please, please stop with the obnoxious whistling already.

a_enzyte-man

7.  Disaronno.  Are you marketing this commercial to mildly retarded people?  “Today, we’re going to learn how to make Disaronno and lemon.  Add ice.  Two ounces of Disaronno, and squeeze a lemon!  Voila!  Disaronno and lemon!”  Well no shit!  Wow.  I’m SO impressed with your wild and crazy drink recipe.  It’s sooo exotic.  C’mon.  How about Disaronno and ginger ale? What could possibly be the ingredients for that drink? Couldn’t you at least come up with something a little more complicated?  Or maybe something with more than two ingredients?

6.  Snuggies. Who has ever had trouble using a blanket?  If you want to stay warm but need your hands, wear an effing robe!  Seriously.  It’s a ridiculous product, and those people sitting in the stands look like they’re in a cult. Which is probably not something you want to advertise at a sporting event.

5.  Billy Mays. STOP YELLING AT US!  We get it, you’re really into whatever you’re advertising–all 2,485 products–but PLEASE, enough with the yelling.  Didn’t your mom ever teach you about inside voices? We can’t even pay attention to what you’re trying to advertise because you won’t stop yelling.

billy-mays

4. AT&T and the talking thumbs.  Amelie and I don’t even know what phone this commercial is advertising, because we hate it so much that we change the channel or mute the television every time it comes on our TV screens.  THUMBS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE FACES!  Or hair.  Or hats.  And thumbs don’t talk!  Couldn’t you have said something about how awesome the phone is and how easy it is to text message without getting retarded looking thumbs to say retarded sounding things ? (“I’m laughing on the dark, abysmal inside. Huh huh.”)  It’s disturbing, and we don’t like it.

3.  Mentos. You’ve seen it.  A guy is sitting by the water cooler at work and pops a Mentos in his mouth.  Suddenly, this lady comes up to him and starts drinking from his mouth.  I’m assuming because his Mentos breath was so tasty.  EW.  I don’t care how good someone smells, that’s just nasty.  There aren’t any other words for it.  NASTY!

2.  Sham Wow! Um, sham NO.  You cannot convince me with your clever little camera cut-aways that those little towels pick up everything without even pressing on them.  I’m sorry, I’m not that dense.  Not to mention that even the stains on the table that you’re demonstrating on change between cutaways.  Couldn’t you at least make it a LITTLE believable?  And why the hell does the guy have a mic on?  Is that really necessary?  It just looks dumb.  And most important of all, who actually spends $20 a month on paper towels?

2527099632_bfa97fe0e3

1.  XBox 360.  You know the one.  A strange looking person is on your television screen.  A red-headed lady, or a dark haired little boy.  They’re looking at something with what’s supposed to be an expression of awe or amazement on their faces, and suddenly the camera pans around to reveal that THEY HAVE NO BRAIN!  Who thought this would be anything other than creepy?  And what point is it supposed to make?  Because to me, this commercial says, “Buy an XBox if you want to be brainless and mechanical.”  Somehow, I don’t think that was the point they intended to make.

And now for something slightly less disturbing: amelie just showed me the new product from the Sham Wow guy. We don’t hate this one as much as the Sham Wow commercial, but only because it’s dirty, and we’re 12. “You’re gonna love my nuts!” Probably not, Sham Wow guy, but thanks for trying.

January 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm 4 comments

Go to hell, ABC

You go to hell and you die.

November 21, 2008 at 9:50 am 2 comments

Weekly Wrap-Up: A Mixed Bag

What we loved:
How I Met Your MotherNot a Father’s Day. Robin and Ted playing the angel and devil on Lily’s shoulder. Drunken Lily zooming around with a fire extinguisher and a rolling chair.

Chuck–Chuck and Casey’s hilarious, uncomfortable, and unhelpful lip smack. Did something else happen in that episode? We forget because we were laughing too hard.

Iron Man–Let’s ignore the fact that ameliebee is late to the party and celebrate the fact that she showed up at all. It was fun and entertaining and we both thought Robert Downey, Jr. (or as we like to call him, Jeffrey Dean Morgan) did a wonderful job as Tony Stark. Neither of us really felt Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts, and we pegged John Malkovich Jeff Bridges as the bad guy the second his bald head popped up on the screen.

The Office–Drunk-off-his-ass Oscar. “Call her! Call her! No, don’t call her!” “Why won’t you do Andy?” Dear Office producer-type people: We need more Drunk Oscar. He’s our favorite flavor of Oscar.

What we loathed:
How I Met Your Mother–Another cab ride and still no Ranjit? Boo.

Pushing Daisies–To be precise, we loathed the total lack of Ned, Chuck, Emerson, and Olive for the second week in a row. ABC, if you cancel this show because you can’t be arsed to promote it, you deserve all the rotten pie that will surely be sent to you.

What we’re indifferent about:
Chuck–Jill. We don’t love her, we don’t hate her. Right now, we nothing her.

November 14, 2008 at 12:02 pm Leave a comment

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