Posts filed under ‘Letters’

Friendship Over

Dear Facebook,

We need to talk.

I think we should see other people. It’s not me, it’s you. I feel like we’ve grown apart. We’re different people now, and it’s time for me to move on. Even though I stuck with you through your many face-lifts, I can’t sit by any longer and watch you turn yourself into a junked-up, over-populated MySpace clone.

I know I wasn’t as patient or supportive as I could have been, but now is not the time for regrets. I’ve tried to be understanding of your obsessive need to update my feed with quiz results, and now I feel like all I do is nag. “Stop with the quiz results, honey. I don’t care what Peanuts character you are. No, I don’t really want to know what mother-smurfing Smurf you are. Jesus, STOP WITH THE QUIZZES!” That’s not healthy for either of us.

It’s not just the quizzes, though. Your highlights are really more like don’t-care-lights. I’m a little sick of you asking me “What’s on your mind?” I don’t always have profound thoughts, Facebook. You should know that by now. Asking me “What’s on your mind?” only serves to remind me how shallow I am and puts me in a bad mood when I try and fail to think of something clever.

You know what’s not fun, Facebook? Having to change my privacy settings to keep things private from my family and coworkers. When we met, you were a fun way for me to keep up with my FRIENDS, not every Joe Blow who bumped into me on the street, not everybody I work with, attend church with, or see in the grocery store. You were fun. You were cool. But your insatiable need to grow and expand has left me feeling cold and alone and neglected. I miss the old you.

I know we said it was forever, but people change. I think we got too serious, too fast. I want something a little less stressful and cluttered, which is why I’ve been Twittering a lot lately. I’m sorry if that hurts you, Facebook, but it’s the truth. I just feel like Twitter understands me better than you do, even though you and I have history.

No matter what, I do want you to be happy. I would say that we can still be friends, but I’ve already deleted you.

April 13, 2009 at 9:10 pm Leave a comment

Dear amelie,

Just for you, I have been very productive today.  I’m on episode four of season one of Supernatural.  Just for you!  And yeah, it is a pretty good show.  And yeah, Sam and Dean are ridiculously hot, so even if it was a crappy show, I’d probably still be watching it.

Sincerely,

Kegger

October 25, 2008 at 12:06 pm 2 comments

Dear Presidential Candidates,

Dear Hillary Clinton:

Why do you have to be president AGAIN?! Haven’t you already been president for eight years? Why do you wanna do it again? Go away!

Also, concerning your little “I was shot at by snipers in Bosnia” comment that turned out to be a big fat lie: You recently said that you “misspoke,” and that you couldn’t keep up with everything that you’ve said. NEWSFLASH! YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY IF YOU DON’T LIE, YOU STUPID DUMBASS!

Please go away and get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear Barak Obama:

I’m beginning to think that you’re as full of crap as Hillary. I have a big problem with you going to a church that preaches hate for 20 years. I mean, I can understand you visiting a few times to see if you like it, but if it’s teaching hate, I’m just not okay with the fact that you went there for 20 years and now you want to be president of our country. You can’t tell me that you don’t at least partially agree with your former pastor, especially when you’ve called him your “mentor” more than once. I think I would like you to go away, too. Please get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear John McCain:

I don’t care if you were a POW in Vietnam. Why does that make you more qualified to run our country? Haven’t you run for president enough times unsuccessfully to realize that no one REALLY wants you to be president? Please go away and get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear Ralph Nadar:

Seriously, why are you even bothering?

Sincerely,

Kegger

March 25, 2008 at 3:06 pm Leave a comment

Dear…

  • Dear Britney Spears,

Please get the hell off of my television.  And please start wearing panties.  No one wants to see your yoo-hoo.    

Sincerely,  

Kegger   

  • Dear politician people,

Please get the hell off of my television.  I don’t like you.  Please go away.

Sincerely,

Kegger    

  • Dear Lindsey Lohan,

You’re a dirty skanky whore.  Please get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger   

  • Dear Paris Hilton,

You’ve got to be the stupidest human being that God has ever created.  Please get the hell off of my television.  And stop saying, “That’s hot,” because it’s not hot at all–it’s actually quite obnoxious.  

Sincerely, 

Kegger     

  • Dear Jared Leto,

You were so freakin’ hot in My So-Called Life.  I mean, seriously, lickably hot.  (You were also seriously hot in Requiem for a Dream until you got all heroinish, and you were also quite lickable in Fight Club until you were beaten into a bloody pulp and got all toothless and ugly.)  Please, get on my television screen more often.  Please.  Or better yet, screw the television, just come sit by me on my couch so I can watch you in person.  But please get rid of the guyliner when you aren’t on stage singing with your band.  

Sincerely,

Kegger

P.S.–You’re hot.      

  • Dear oil executive people,

Please lower gas prices.  I’m begging you.  I’m getting desperate here.  And please stop taking yearly $440 million dollar bonuses.  Seriously, isn’t a million dollar bonus enough?  I mean, after you reach a billion or so, do you really NEED more money?  And if you don’t lower your gas prices, I think someone should go Mr. and Mrs. Smith on your asses and assasinate you all,  and leave creepy letters next to your bodies that say “This is what happens to oil executives who raise gas prices.”  And then, the upcoming oil executives might just be balls scared.  And maybe fear of being assisinated just might keep them from raising gas prices.  [Side Note:  If this really does happen, please take note that I wouldn’t ever seriously assassinate someone.  But it is fun to think about being a spy.  Being a spy could be fun.  Like Sydney Bristow on Alias.  I freakin love that show.  I totally made me want to be a spy.] 

Sincerely,

Kegger  

  • Dear Writer’s Guild of America people,

Thank you thank you thank you for ending the strike.  Please bring back good television as soon as possible!  And please tell the people in charge that shows like “Dance with the Stars,” or “Dance with Your Mom,” or whatever the hell they’re called SUCK!!  Please tell them to get those shows the hell off my television. 

Sincerely,

Kegger  

  • Dear amelie bee,

We seriously need to blog more often.  And we need to work less.  

Sincerely,

Kegger  

March 12, 2008 at 12:34 am 1 comment


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