Posts filed under ‘bodily functions’

My dog is a princess

curious-lucy.jpg

I have a great dane.  She’s big.  She’s not the type of dog that you would expect to act like a pampered little snot.  And she really doesn’t.  EXCEPT when it rains.  And then, she turns into a pampered little snot.  Or, pampered BIG snot, actually. 

My dog will NOT willingly pee or poop in the rain.  She looks at me like I’m stupid when I try to get her to go outside when it rains. 

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain hitting my roof.  I LOVE sleeping while it rains, you can’t beat laying in bed on a rainy day.  But NO!  It’s a Tuesday, I have to get up and go to work, I don’t get to sleep during the nice, wonderful rain.  So I got up and called the dog for her to go outside.  She went outside and stood under the carport and saw the rain and looked at me with the most pitiful, pathetic look on her face.  So I go get my raincoat, thinking that if I go outside in the rain, she will too.  Nope.  I go out in the rain, and she just looks at me from the carport.  So!  THEN I go and get the umbrella, and I have to physically DRAG my dog out in the rain, and hold an umbrella over her so she can pee without getting wet. 

My dog is officially a spoiled princess. 

July 10, 2007 at 6:29 pm Leave a comment

Everybody poops.

I have always wondered why the discussion ofpoo.jpg bodily functions got to be such a taboo topic, seeing as to we all have the same bodily functions, more or less.  How did it get to be such an odd topic?  If we all do it, what’s the big deal? 

Public Poops  

There’s just something about pooping in public that’s just… unpleasant.  That’s not something you want to do around other people.  Remember life in the dorm room?  My freshman year, after the first few weeks, there was one particular stall in the very back of the bathroom that unofficially became designated the “poop” stall.  If someone was in that stall, you knew they were pooping.  You didn’t go into that stall if you didn’t have to poop.  Peeing was reserved for the front stalls.  The back stall also happened to be the darkest stall (the toilet area of the bathroom wasn’t very well lit, anyway.)  Maybe that is one reason why people preferred it.  When someone else came into the bathroom while the pooper was mid-poop, the pooper would freeze, and just kind of be quiet and invisible until the other person left.  I think it’s that way it is with any public poop, though.  You try to be as quiet and inconspicuous as possible, and you try to get your poops out during toilet flushes, or while the hand blow dryer-thingie is running. 

 Guy Poops

I always thought that most men weren’t as bashful about pooping as girls were.  I think I might have been wrong about that.  Well, either that, or my husband is a little bit odd. 

I’m a kind of blunt person, and I’m not very tactful sometimes, I admit.  Seeing as how we’ve almost been married for two years, I don’t think pooping is that big of a deal anymore.  I don’t bother  locking the door when I poop, I just close it.  He knows that if the door is closed, he shouldn’t go in there.  However, he STILL locks the door when he poops.  AND he turns the sink faucet on and runs the water while he poops.  (He’s never admitted it, but I highly suspect this is to drown out the sound of pooping.)  I’ve never seen a guy so strange when it comes to pooping, I thought they were open and… gross about it, but I guess maybe I was wrong. 

Getting married taught me a lot about guys that I had no clue about before.  For example, all of my husband’s family (the males, anyway)–his brother, his dad, his grandfather, etc.–ALL use baby wipes to wipe their asses with after a poop.  I had never heard of this before.  Why not just use toilet paper?!?  Now that I’ve gotten used to it, it DOES make sense–I do think that it probably cleans better than dry tissue paper, but still.  I’d never seen that before.  I mentioned this to my mom after I got married, and I learned that my stepdad also has strange wiping habits after he poops, although they are different habits.  He wets his tissue paper with alcohol.  What?!?!?  WHY?!  That seems even odder to me. 

So, are baby wipes and alcohol normal for guys?  Was I just uninformed? 

Stinky Poops

This guy that I used to work with, we’ll call him Fred, used to have the STINKIEST poops in the history of the universe.  Matches, candles, and air freshener could NOT get rid of his stench.  We would open the doors, put a fan in the bathroom, and it would still smell like asshole in there.  His poops lasted all.day.long.  And he pooped like clockwork every day at around 10:00.  I have to say, I felt bad for the guy, because he was kind of a social outcast, anyway (he also didn’t cut his fingernails.  Which was just gross.)  but still, he didn’t make life any better for himself because he pooped so openly in public.  It would have been one thing if he didn’t have the stinkiest poops in the history of the universe, but he DID.  If I were him, I would at least have driven to a gas station or something where no one knew me or something.  He also had the tendency to poot all day long, so his cubicle was quite stinky.  But what I want to know is, WHY were his poops so stinky?  They were in a different league with any other poop I’ve ever had the misfortune of smelling.  Why?!  What makes one person’s poops capable of knocking someone out, and another person’s no big deal? 

June 22, 2007 at 1:55 pm 1 comment


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