Internet Transmitted Diseases

February 10, 2009 at 2:24 pm Leave a comment

ITDs. They’re everywhere. And most people who use the internet on a daily basis don’t even protect themselves against them.  Every day, millions of people all over the world engage in unprotected internet activity.

I should know. I have an ITD, myself.  amelie gave it to me.

Fortunately, I have one of the less severe ITDs. While my ITD can’t be cured, the symptoms can be treated.   But some ITDs are severe and life threatening.  They can interfere with your home life and your job performance at work.

1. Sticky Key Syndrome–Men seem to be most affected by this ITD, although it’s not unheard of for girls to come down with it, too.  You know the symptoms.  Your little brother takes the laptop and sneaks into his room, where he promptly locks the door.  When the laptop returns to the living room, the keys are mysteriously sticky.  Then, the communal computer suddenly seems to get a lot of viruses and weird pop-ups on it.  Often, those pop-ups are pictures of girls with big boobies, or with scandalous things in their mouths.

Sticky Key Syndrome can be one of the more embarassing ITD’s out there–especially if you’re one of the ones who suffer from Sticky Key Syndrome who doesn’t have a lock on your bedroom door.

2. Workplace Distraction–Symptoms of Workplace Distraction include, but are not limited to, Facebook and/or myspace stalking, repeatedly refreshing various entertainment blogs, trawling youtube for funny videos, and sending chain letter email forwards to everyone in your personal address book.

Workplace Distraction also leads to Increased Work Procrastination. You know you’ve got that big presentation, but you have to check icanhascheezburger, first. And then to combat that much cute, you have to see what the folks at Fuck You, Penguin have to say. And while you’re in a snarky mood, maybe Not Always Right has a new post. Man, people are idiots. Let’s see what was Overheard in New York. Great, now you’ve lost all motivation to work. Maybe this thread at Television Without Pity can help. Or not, because thanks to that distraction, you find out that some guy named Kim Manners died. Now you have to find out what he did so you can have an RIP, Kim marathon this weekend. He worked on Supernatural? With these guys? Well, alrighty then. At least you know what you’ll be doing this weekend…

You see where I’m going with this?

Combatting these ITDs has become increasingly difficult as use of the internet has spread to almost every profession. Workplace firewalls and personal willpower prevent Workplace Distraction and Increased Work Procrastination, but there is no cure.  Especially if you know anything about proxy servers.  (And if your ITD is bad enough, you do.)

3. Suggestive Sleepiness–This is the ITD that amelie infected me with. Sufferers of Suggestive Sleepiness become incredibly tired after receiving an e-mail that mentions how sleepy the sender is. Like Workplace Distraction and Increased Work Procrastination, there is no cure for Suggestive Sleepiness, and spreading this disease is as easy as saying, “Man, I’m tired. I would love to curl up George Costanza-style under my desk and take a nap. Think anyone would notice?” We suggest powerchugging a caffienated beverage or doing a quick set of jumping jacks. Not that we’ll ever do the jumping jacks. We don’t want to look ridiculous. If it’s possible, a power nap also helps Suggestive Sleepiness.

There are ITDs everywhere, and anyone can have them.  Make sure to protect yourself from them, otherwise, we just might have an ITD pandemic on our hands.  If all the workers of the world become procrastinators because of their Work Distraction or Increased Work Procrastination, civilization as we know it will implode.

I know what you’re thinking.  “That can’t happen to me.”  “I wouldn’t get an ITD.  That happens to other people.”  But average, every day people are the ones that are most suseptible to ITDs.  Protect yourself, and remember, it CAN happen to you.

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