Archive for January, 2009

Criss Angel is a Douche Bag

Best episode title ever? Possibly. Will it make tonight’s episode of Supernatural totally awesome, even if it’s totally craptacular? Most definitely. Are kegger and I going to start saying things like, “You know who’s a douche bag? Criss Angel.” all the time? Absofuckinglutely.

You win, Supernatural.

January 22, 2009 at 12:01 pm Leave a comment

Are You Ready?

Hell, yeah! Damn right!

Y’all know that kegger and I are Southerners. You might not know that we are Mississippians. Well, we are. We are fairly typical Southerners in that we are big fans of SEC football–Ole Miss football specifically. In the spirit of SEC solidarity, we want to give a big ol’ “Hotty Toddy!” to the Florida Gators for winning last night’s BCS National Championship against Oklahoma. Congratulations, boys! SEC football is clearly the best football in the US.

But being such die hard Ole Miss girls, we would be bad Rebels if we didn’t say this to the Gators: You may be the national champs, but your only loss last season was to us. Sucks to be you.

Hotty Toddy, Cotton Bowl Champs! We’re Nutts about our boys in red and blue.

January 9, 2009 at 11:08 am Leave a comment

An Open Letter to the Execs at ABC

To whom it may concern:

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you insane? Did you fall and hit your head on something hard? Were you all replaced by alien pods? I don’t understand why you feel it is necessary to yank around the millions–and, yes, there are MILLIONS of us–of Pushing Daisies fans. You’ve already canceled the show. Can you at least give us some closure?

I understand that these are tough economic times and you are, first and foremost, a company that wants to make money. But really, dear Sirs and Madams, I don’t give a rat’s greasy ass about that. Since I can’t have what I really want–a full 22 episode season 2 pick up and a third season–can’t you at least give me the final episodes?

If I’m not mistaken, they’ve already been shot and completed and retooled because you fuckers money-mongers assholes executives dicked around screwed messed up after the writers’ strike and didn’t put Pushing Daisies back on the post-strike schedule. Of course it’s going to bleed viewers. The American public is stupid fickle, and they have really short attention spans. But the loyal millions of us who tuned in every Wednesday night to see what was going on at the Pie Hole didn’t forget. We waited and waited and waited and were not disappointed when Ned and Emerson and the Pie Hoes came back. And then you stabbed us all in the back and canceled the show. I’m not asking for a last-minute reprieve (although I wouldn’t complain if Pushing Daisies got one). All I’m asking is to see the final episodes.

I know my one set of eyeballs doesn’t mean much to you. But there’s nothing on your schedule that is even remotely interesting to me. I don’t watch Lost. I hate Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Pushing Daisies is a finely crafted, well-acted, wonderfully written and clever show, and I will miss it more than you’ll miss me. I get that. But I can be a very vindictive bitch, so you guys might want to watch your backs. I hear opening a package of rotten pies can really ruin a day.

So for the love of God, air the final episodes.

January 7, 2009 at 10:34 am Leave a comment

Horrifying, Scarrifying, Creepifying: Commercials We Hate

Note: This is a list of commercials that we hate that have RECENTLY been on air.  Not of all time.  That list would probably be much longer.

10.  Chocolate Skittles.  First off, ew.  Chocolate Skittles don’t sound very appetizing to begin with.  Second off…um… huh? I don’t get it.  What’s the point?  Why is there a pinata guy holding Skittles?  What’s this supposed to be advertising, again?  All I can look at is the creepy guy made out of paper mache.

9.  Lamisil. Digger, the cartoony little bug thingie.  The nailbed.  The icky little bug scurrying his way underneath your toenail.  Not a pretty image, and not something people want to think about. There has to be a better way for Lamisil to get its point across.

8. Enzyte. I have to say, I’m kind of sick of seeing creepy, smiling Bob with his impressive hard-on on my television.  We get it, Bob.  You’re taking Enzyte, and your wang has grown much larger as a result.  You’re creepy and happy and getting laid a lot more frequently now.  But can’t you use someone else, for your awful commercials, Enzyte?  Because Bob freaks me out.  He looks like a creepy rapist.  He looks like he wants to murder everyone that’s in the commercials with him–maybe with his impressive erection, who knows.  We get it.  Bob’s happy.  Can’t you help someone else now?  How about Tom, or Fred, or George?  Or just go balls out and call him Dick. Anyone but Bob! And please, please stop with the obnoxious whistling already.

a_enzyte-man

7.  Disaronno.  Are you marketing this commercial to mildly retarded people?  “Today, we’re going to learn how to make Disaronno and lemon.  Add ice.  Two ounces of Disaronno, and squeeze a lemon!  Voila!  Disaronno and lemon!”  Well no shit!  Wow.  I’m SO impressed with your wild and crazy drink recipe.  It’s sooo exotic.  C’mon.  How about Disaronno and ginger ale? What could possibly be the ingredients for that drink? Couldn’t you at least come up with something a little more complicated?  Or maybe something with more than two ingredients?

6.  Snuggies. Who has ever had trouble using a blanket?  If you want to stay warm but need your hands, wear an effing robe!  Seriously.  It’s a ridiculous product, and those people sitting in the stands look like they’re in a cult. Which is probably not something you want to advertise at a sporting event.

5.  Billy Mays. STOP YELLING AT US!  We get it, you’re really into whatever you’re advertising–all 2,485 products–but PLEASE, enough with the yelling.  Didn’t your mom ever teach you about inside voices? We can’t even pay attention to what you’re trying to advertise because you won’t stop yelling.

billy-mays

4. AT&T and the talking thumbs.  Amelie and I don’t even know what phone this commercial is advertising, because we hate it so much that we change the channel or mute the television every time it comes on our TV screens.  THUMBS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE FACES!  Or hair.  Or hats.  And thumbs don’t talk!  Couldn’t you have said something about how awesome the phone is and how easy it is to text message without getting retarded looking thumbs to say retarded sounding things ? (“I’m laughing on the dark, abysmal inside. Huh huh.”)  It’s disturbing, and we don’t like it.

3.  Mentos. You’ve seen it.  A guy is sitting by the water cooler at work and pops a Mentos in his mouth.  Suddenly, this lady comes up to him and starts drinking from his mouth.  I’m assuming because his Mentos breath was so tasty.  EW.  I don’t care how good someone smells, that’s just nasty.  There aren’t any other words for it.  NASTY!

2.  Sham Wow! Um, sham NO.  You cannot convince me with your clever little camera cut-aways that those little towels pick up everything without even pressing on them.  I’m sorry, I’m not that dense.  Not to mention that even the stains on the table that you’re demonstrating on change between cutaways.  Couldn’t you at least make it a LITTLE believable?  And why the hell does the guy have a mic on?  Is that really necessary?  It just looks dumb.  And most important of all, who actually spends $20 a month on paper towels?

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1.  XBox 360.  You know the one.  A strange looking person is on your television screen.  A red-headed lady, or a dark haired little boy.  They’re looking at something with what’s supposed to be an expression of awe or amazement on their faces, and suddenly the camera pans around to reveal that THEY HAVE NO BRAIN!  Who thought this would be anything other than creepy?  And what point is it supposed to make?  Because to me, this commercial says, “Buy an XBox if you want to be brainless and mechanical.”  Somehow, I don’t think that was the point they intended to make.

And now for something slightly less disturbing: amelie just showed me the new product from the Sham Wow guy. We don’t hate this one as much as the Sham Wow commercial, but only because it’s dirty, and we’re 12. “You’re gonna love my nuts!” Probably not, Sham Wow guy, but thanks for trying.

January 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm 4 comments


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