I have a confession to make…

August 5, 2008 at 4:17 pm 8 comments

I’m secretly a little bit obsessed with the Twilight books. amelie knows this. [amelie: Shyeah, she does.] One or two other people know this. But mostly, I pretty much stay in the closet about the whole thing. [amelie: So, you’re saying your gay for Twilight? I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. Snerk.] [kegger: Hee!] Mainly because I’m NOT a teenybopper fan girl. I’m 26. (I also am most definitely NOT one of those Twilight Mom weirdos. I’ve got no problem with being a fan, but they’re kind of overkill.) Anyway, though.

I’ve been pretty excited about Breaking Dawn coming out. Ask amelie. [amelie: She’s been pretty excited about Breaking Dawn coming out.] I’ve been counting the days until I could finally find out what would happen at the end of the book. So I picked the book up on Saturday and was really excited about reading it. I love the characters Stephenie Meyer has invented. They’ve sucked me in, and I enjoy reading about them even though the books are definitely flawed.

And… geeze. How do I say this without being rude? Oh, screw it. Stephenie Meyer was obviously on crack while she was writing Breaking Dawn. [amelie: Word.]

I don’t even know where to start when talking about how awful the book was. I will say this. I liked it better than the final Harry Potter book. (I know amelie disagrees with me on that one.) [amelie: Aw, kegs, you know me so well.] That’s the only good thing I can say about it, though. And Bella got turned into a vamp and ended up with Edward. [amelie: Dude–spoiler!] [kegger: Hee. Oops.] Those are the only good things. But how they came about didn’t even make the good parts good, if that makes sense.

So, below, I’ve complied a list of things about the book that pissed me off. (Warning, there will most definitely be spoilers.) [*amelie does the jazz hands of yay spoilers*]

  1. Stephenie Meyer completely lost her characters in this book. Everyone was completely out of character. I felt like I was reading about total strangers. [amelie: Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who? I really wanna know!] Where were the people that were in the other 3 books? It was like reading a bad FanFic. (Not even a good FanFic. A bad one.) [amelie: So…you admit to reading fanfic? Bold.] [kegger: Oh shut up, you do too. [amelie: So, there was this whole diversion into whether or not I have read fanfic. I will neither confirm nor deny it, but in the interest of moving on…Moving on.]
  2. She rewrote the rules of the world she created. Bella and Edward did the nasty, and then Bella got pregnant. How is this possible, you ask? IT ISN’T! Meyers herself has been quoted saying that vampires can’t have kids. I would assume that means male AND female vampires, right? Apparently not. Now, she’s decided she wants to change the rules and make it so that male vampires can procreate with humans only. And that’s just dumb. She already CLEARLY said that vampires can’t have babies. I don’t see a loophole in that! And a lot of rabid fans say, “It’s Stephenie Meyer’s world, she created it, she can do whatever she wants!” Um, NO. Sorry, that’s not how it works and that freaking pisses me off and all of her excuses are lame! [amelie: If Rob Thomas can retcon Veronica Mars’ rape, then Stephenie Meyers can retcon her entire world. Even thought it sucks and this book blows and I want to die.] [kegger: Those two examples aren’t even comparable. Rob Thomas did it smoothly. Stephenie Meyers is pathetic and a lame excuse for a rule change. Besides. Did anyone really want them to have babies? No! It was completely unnecessary.] [amelie: I’m just saying there is precedence for massive retcons in pop culture.]
  3. Rosalie becomes Bella’s guard dog and the immediately falls off the planet once monster baby is born. Rosalie kind of hates Bella. They don’t really have a friendship. But when Bella finds out she’s knocked up, she turns to Rosalie, who in turn guards her like a pit bull for about 200 pages of the book. But during those 200 pages, it doesn’t show them developing any friendship, or anything. Rosalie is a pit bull, and then once Bella has the baby, Rosalie is gone. Poof, disappears, is hardly there for the remainder of the book. I mean, you’d think that during that time they would have become friends, right? But I guess we’ll never know. Because Stephenie didn’t think it was important enough to write about! Instead, she thought gory nasty birthing scenes would be more entertaining. Which brings me to complaint number four.
  4. She won’t write sex scenes because of her religion (which is fine, whatever.) [amelie: Say wha?! What the hell religion is…never mind. Immaculate conception all the way!] but she will write in detail about the birthing of Bella’s baby. Let me give you a little preview: First, the baby breaks a few of her ribs. Then her spine. Then she starts puking up a ton of blood. And the baby is wrapped in some superhuman vampy womb and Edward has to EAT the baby out of her stomach. She’ll write about THAT, but not about sex? [amelie: Obviously, fetus-eating is more natural than sex. Don’t you know anything, kegger? Gosh.] [kegger: Ha. Maybe for dogs. Or cannibals. Ew.] (Update: Apparently, she REALLY liked her gory birthing scene, because it was like, 20 pages longer and the publishers made her cut a lot of it out. Eesh. I do NOT want to read that outtake.)
  5. Bella named her freaking baby Renesmee. RENESMEE. That name is wrong on SO many levels. [amelie: There are no words.]
  6. Even worse than the baby’s name, is the baby’s nick name. Nessie. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
  7. Bella and Edward are barely even in this book together. I like mooshy books. I admit it. I read deep stuff, too, but every now and then, I like to read pure fluff. Bella and Edward are why I liked the Twilight books to begin with. Edward wasn’t even IN this book except for the first 50 or so pages! Then he completely disappears! [amelie: Dude. I totally just figured it all out! It’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Twilight-style. They’re all pod people.] [kegger: That’s the best explanation I’ve heard so far.]
  8. Edward doesn’t even seem remotely interested or excited by the fact that he’s a dad to the Loch Ness Monster. He only holds her once. [amelie: Well, hell, I’d be scared, too, if I were the father of the Loch Ness Monster.]
  9. I HATE HATE HATE Jacob Black and his part of the book was the most entertaining part. Seriously. I can’t tell you how much I despise Jacob. I want him to get run over by a truck and die. And yet his part of the book was the most entertaining part for me. There’s something wrong about that. [amelie: Aw, but Seth is so cute. I want to love him and hug him and call him George.] [kegger: Yeah I kind of love Seth, too. He’s one of the only good things about this awful book.]
  10. Despite the fact that Stephenie can’t write detailed sex scenes, she still makes it clear that Edward and Bella are nymphos. They go at it nonstop all night. Because, you know, vampires don’t sleep. So instead they go at it like rabbits for half the day. [amelie: Does that make them necrophiliacs? Or since they’re undead are they just plain old horndogs?] [kegger: Ew. You’ve got a point, amelie. But still. Ew.]
  11. Bella is still a whiny little bitch. Becoming a vampire and a mom doesn’t make her any more likeable or deserving of Edward. [amelie: I don’t know. He doesn’t have anything resembling a personality in this book, so I think they’re perfect for each other.] [kegger: Okay, I’ll change that. She doesn’t deserve the Edward that’s in the OTHER three books. She can have the Edward in this one.]
  12. Once Bella does become a vampire, she really doesn’t change all that much. There’s like, five pages of her transition and then poof, she adapts and doesn’t struggle with what she is at all! No thirst, no nothing. She adapts way too easily.
  13. Bella becomes a superhero. No, seriously. She saves the day. The main reason people were even remotely tolerable is because she was supposedly completely average. [amelie: Um, I never really liked her at all.] [kegger: Yeah, me either, hence the whiny little bitch thing.] Once she becomes a vampire she magically gets this super power that can save the day. She’s completely unrelatable. Yeah. It was… lame.
  14. There was no epic battle. Stephenie Meyer spends I don’t know how many pages setting up this “epic” battle, and then the badass villian says, “We don’t have to fight today. We can still be friends. I’ll go home now.” No joke. They spend pages and pages calling all of their friends to stand by them and fight with them, they all show up, they line the field, they stand across from each other, they prepare to fight, and then… they don’t. They just all go home. Um… what? You’ve just made the last half of the book completely unnecessary and irrelevant! [amelie: *puts on geek hat* At least Harry Potter had an awesome battle scene that gave the books weight and made the sacrifices of the characters mean something. And made me cry like a damn baby.] [kegger: You’ve got to admit that her “epic” battle was also kind of anti-climactic. It was lacking, too. But at least they fought, I guess.]
  15. Edward calls Jacob “son.” WHAAAAAT???! Okay, I can buy that they don’t hate each other anymore. I can even see Edward calling him “brother,” or something lame like that. But “son?” No. Not in a million years. See what I mean? She’s completely lost touch with the characters she created. [amelie: Who are you? Who? Who?]
  16. Breaking Dawn completely cancelled out the point of the rest of the books. The entire series up until Breaking Dawn stressed the fact that Bella was going to have to sacrifice a lot to be with Edward, and throughout the books, she realized he was worth whatever she’d have to give up. She wasn’t going to be able to have children, she was going to have to give up her human friends (not like she really had any, though), she was going to have to give up her family, and she was going to have to give up her old life. But Bella didn’t have to sacrifice anything. She got to have a baby, she got to keep her dad, she got to keep Jake, she got to keep everything. Except her humanity. And it wasn’t like that was a great loss. She went from someone who was ageing and would die and was clumsy and just average looking to someone who would live forever and looks beautiful and won’t die. She didn’t sacrifice anything! [amelie: And that’s why the Harry Potter series wins and the Twilight series fails.]

Okay. I’m going to stop there. Mostly because amelie told me to. Because I could very easily let this blog get out of hand. There might be a part two in the not too distant future.

Update: This blog almost made this book worth reading. Or at least it made me laugh a lot. http://community.livejournal.com/lion_lamb/1651773.html

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Entry filed under: Books, entertainment, not awesome, Rant. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Take that, Scrabble! Olympic Thoughts

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. brooklyn  |  August 5, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    Man, have I been waiting for this post…

    I didn’t buy the book, but I read the reviews, and boy do I never want to buy it or read it. I love the “book returning” movement that I read about on Amazon, too. You should do that.

    Reply
  • 2. kegger  |  August 5, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    It’s not worth the effort to return it, to be completely honest. I hadn’t realized there was a book returning movement. I’ve read some message boards that said some people were planning on returning it, but not THAT many people. Wow. That many people, huh? In truth, she deserves to lose her ass on this one. It’s awful. There are no words for how different it is from the other three. It’s like someone else entirely wrote it.

    Whatever you do, don’t read it. Unless you want a laugh. I’m making amelie read it. Hee. 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. Alex  |  August 5, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    More than half of the fandom aggrees with everything you just said.

    Reply
  • 4. kegger  |  August 5, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Yep–and I hope Stephenie Meyer realizes it. I mean, I’ve been trying to figure it out since Saturday–what the hell was she thinking when she wrote this?

    Was she thinking, well, I’m a mom and I can’t imagine not being a mom, and I want Bella to be a mom, damnit! So I’m going to make her a mom, even though it’s not physically possible. Is that what she was thinking? Because seriously–if she’d wanted babies, she should have planned ahead and not said that it was impossible for them to have them! a;ljdfslaskjdfalskfdj! This book frustrates me so much I could scream!

    Reply
  • 5. brooklyn  |  August 5, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    I’m not going to read the actual book, but I did read all about it here, which was pretty damn funny.

    And yeah, a lot of people are claiming to have returned their book for at least store credit. Hope SM gets the message.

    Oh, also: you liked BD better than the final HP book?! For shame.

    Reply
  • 6. ameliebee  |  August 5, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    The things I do for my friends, honestly. I’m a living saint and I get absolutely nothing out of it. Well, I get a false feeling of superiority, which is nice. But this time it’s not enough.

    Edit: OMG. That blog, kegger. That? Was awesome. The last line was genius.

    Reply
  • 7. kegger  |  August 6, 2008 at 8:09 am

    Haha, I know, I think that blog is the only thing that makes the book worth while.

    And as for liking it more than Harry Potter, I’ll just say this–HP was written MUCH better. But I still had an assload of questions at the end of the final HP. After reading BD, I didn’t have any more questions. Even though I don’t like how she solved everything or whatever, I wasn’t left wondering about anything. I was just left pissed that she’d ruined the book. So, yeah, that’s why I like it better than the last HP.

    Reply
  • 8. kegger  |  August 6, 2008 at 8:10 am

    Oh, and brooklyn, that’s a good blog, too! Edwob is without a doubt, my favorite part about that blog.

    Reply

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