I’m living an episode of The Office!

July 18, 2008 at 3:07 pm 3 comments

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent and deranged.

Yesterday, I got this email from my coworker Angela:

Damn, has Dwight never had a cold? He comes in here with his fag bag showing everyone his Amoxicillin…. He asked me If I’ve ever been “that sick”??? I said, well, yeah, of course.

Then he asked me if I’ve ever lost sense of smell while I was sick and I told him I had. Then he wanted to know if your sense of smell comes back eventually. He is such a moron!!!!!!!!!

And so I replied:

Next time he asks something like that, you should make up some ridiculous story about how one time you got sick and you haven’t been able to see the color blue since then. Or something like that. He would freak out. You could tell him that at first colors were just duller, but then they disappeared altogether. I bet he’d imagine that he was losing his ability to see color! I can see him falling for that.

Angela decides that this is, in fact, a brilliant plan, and the next time Dwight comes into her office, she lays the groundwork:

Angela: How’s your sense of smell? Has it gotten any better?

Dwight (frowning): No. Not at all. I’m beginning to get worried.

Angela (with a worried expression on her face): Well, I won’t even mention colors to you. Don’t want to worry you.

Dwight: What about colors?

Angela: Well, all I’ll say is, a while ago, I had a really bad cold, and I lost my abillity to see the color blue for some reason. To this day, I still can’t see the color blue like I used to. I have trouble telling the difference between reds, blues, and purples.

Dwight (rubbing his chin thoughtfully and acting as though he knows what he’s talking about): Hm… Interesting. Do you have diabetes?

Angela: No.

Dwight: But your father does.

Angela: Yes, my father does.

Dwight: Does he have type 1 or type 2 diabetes?

Angela: Type 2.

Dwight: Hm… Well, that can’t be the cause. That’s acquired.

Dwight walks away thoughtfully and comes back into my room, where I notice him Googling “loss of the ability to see the color blue”. So then, I just can’t resist. I have to continue with the joke. I tell Meredith and Phyllis about the joke Angela and I are playing on Dwight, and they laugh so hard they almost pee on themselves. And then I say, “Oh! One of you has GOT to walk past him and talk about how pretty your new blue shirt is!” Neither was wearing a blue shirt.

Dwight, however, sees us laughing, and can’t stand not being in on the joke. So he stops by and leans over my desk and says, “So, kegger, what’d you tell them that was so funny?”

I’m not really a good liar, so I went with the first thing that popped in my head:

kegger: Oh, just girl stuff, you wouldn’t want to know.

Dwight (he crosses his arms confidently, sure that he’s about to be let in on the joke): Well obviously I do want to know.

kegger: Seriously, Dwight, I’m not going to you about that kind of thing.

Dwight: Well, why not!

kegger: Dwight! It’s girl stuff! I’m not going to tell you!

Dwight (whose face is very quickly becoming an angry, bright red): God! This place needs to fucking grow up!

And he promptly storms outside of the office.

Phyllis and Meredith proceed to laugh so hard that they can barely breathe, and then Creed gets in on the action. Creed’s cubicle is conveniently located right next to Dwight’s, so after Dwight calms back down and returns to his desk, Creed leans over to him and says, “Do you like this color blue? I’ve been searching for a shirt this color blue for months now and I finally found this one, but I can’t decide if I really like it or not….” (Creed’s shirt is white with a little bit of green in it.)

Dwight looks at him very oddly and glances down at his shirt.

Dwight: Yeah… that’s a nice blue….

And then he immediately goes back to his Google search.

Cut to today:

The first thing I hear when I walk into the office today from five people at once is, “kegger, you have got to tell Dwight to stop blowing his nose in the kitchen!”

kegger: In the kitchen?!? Ew.

Kevin: Yes! The kitchen! It’s disgusting! That’s where people eat!

Meredith: He was blowing his nose at the table while everyone was eating!

kegger: Ew. Okay, I’ll e-mail Angela (who is his supervisor) and ask her to take care of it.

If Angela talked to him, it didn’t work.  So after he does it once again after lunch and everyone begs me yet again to speak with him, I speak with him, even though I’m not his supervisor and therefore he doesn’t really regard me as a person of much authority.

Dwight doesn’t take it well:

kegger: Hey, Dwight. Next time you blow your nose, do you mind doing it in the bathroom?

Dwight (smiling): Why?! So you won’t hear me as much with the door closed?

kegger: Um, no. Because it’s the kitchen. Where the food is. Where people eat.

Dwight: So?

kegger: So… that’s where people eat!

Dwight: And? You breathe air in there just like you do in the bathroom.

kegger: Yes, but I don’t eat in the bathroom.

Dwight: And?

Thankfully, I’m saved by the phone ringing, because I was about to launch myself across the room to tackle his ass and strangle him. As soon as I get off the phone, about ten of my workers come up to me and say, “I can’t believe he was talking back to you about that!” I don’t think my talk worked, though.

The most bizarre thing about the whole story is that Dwight is the biggest hypocondriac and the biggest germophobe I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’m not joking–this guy washes his hands BEFORE he pees. Then after. And then he lathers himself in hand sanitizer. And yet he thinks it’s okay to blow his nose in the kitchen?

Ten bucks says he’ll be back in the kitchen blowing his nose again before the day is over. And another ten bucks says I’m going to go postal and kick him out of my room, too. Stay tuned.

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Entry filed under: random, Rant, television. Tags: , , , .

Be Stupid and Multiply Have your cake and eat it, too

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. brooklyn  |  July 25, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    I think this sounds a million times worse than The Office. Sorry you have to work with a guy like that!

    Reply
  • 2. kegger  |  July 25, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    It’s gotten better. I went above Angela’s head and spoke to MY supervisor, who then spoke to Angela and told her to get Dwight under control.

    He knows that I bitched about him, so he’s completely avoided me all week and hasn’t said a word to me, but truthfully, I prefer it that way. Dwight is one of those guys who tells you his life story if you say, “How was your weekend?” and I really don’t want to hear his life story (again) so I’m not too heart broken about the whole thing.

    But yeah. Last week, I seriously thought I was going to murder him.

    Reply
  • 3. Weeknight Smackdown! « Are you me?  |  October 15, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    […] worked with a Michael or a Dwight or a Jim or a Phyllis, and kegger actually does work with both a Dwight and a Creed. Although kegger doesn’t really watch Earl or 30 Rock, she has to admit that they […]

    Reply

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