Supernatural Picspam: The Pilot

June 11, 2008 at 1:44 pm 3 comments

So, I got bored. And apparently this is what happens when I get bored. I think it’s always best to start at the beginning of something. So here it is: the pilot of Supernatural, as explained by the ‘bee.

This is Mommy. She’s blonde and she’s wearing white, so that’s two strikes against her. She’s also holding a floppy-haired kid, so she’s obviously got to die. Oops! Spoiler!

This is Daddy. He’s all smiles and non-scruffy, so you know he’s happy and lurves his wife and his two sons. He’s obviously going to go off the deep end when his wife burns to a crisp. Eep. Spoiler again!

There are also sons. There’s the floppy-haired kid who, strangely enough, does not grow into a floppy-haired adult. Then there’s the baby, who actually does grow into a floppy-haired adult of cut your hair already, GOD.

This is the mobile. Mobiles are evil, y’all. Especially ones with penis-looking baseball bats. The hell? And what exactly is that humping the baseball?

ANYway. Not Quite Dead Mommy wakes up because future Emo Bangs of Angst (uh, spoiler?) starts squawking.

But it’s all good because Daddy is checking on Future Emo Bangs of Angst’s crib. Not Quite Dead Mommy is not quite yet worried.

And then the lights flicker. Oooh. Scary.

The next few scenes are so DAMN DARKLY LIT. Get a lighting budget, show.

Oh, no! That wasn’t Daddy standing over the Emo Bangs’ crib! Run, Not Quite Dead Mommy! Run!

Daddy: Should I be worried? I think I should be worried, but I’m not worried enough to be worried. Okay fine. I’m worried. Also, I have ridiculously long eyelashes. I mean, look at them. I’m like a walking mascara commercial. For dudes.

Aw. Look at the baby. Isn’t he just a bundle of joy? Too bad about all that ANGST. Anyway, Baby Sam wants you to know that from now on you have to call him Sammy: Lord of the Flame.

Hey, Lord of the Flame. Your mommy’s on fire.

Daddy’s all, “Oh my god!!! We’re having a fire!…sale. Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all the schoolchildren!”

“This isn’t a fever! Can’t even see where the knob is!”

And scene.

This is Jess. Oh look! She’s blonde. And she’s wearing white…

She knows the now-grown-up Lord of the Flame…do you see where I’m going with this?

This is not Jensen Ackles.

So, Lord of the Flame, who we’ll call Sam, because that is his name, is all, “You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Slutty nurse, hot.” And Jess is like, “Yes, please! More alcohol WOOO!”

We all know what happens after every college Halloween party. It’s pass out time! The elusive Sleeping Sammy. A quiet creature whose natural habitat includes musty libraries and motel rooms. He is also a lying liar who lies, but we’ll get to that later.

What’s that? The elusive Sleeping Sammy hears something. His natural instincts tell him to investigate.

Which, I guess he does, only I can’t see a damn thing because GET SOME MORE LIGHTS, SHOW. Come on!

Ooh–the Elusive Sleeping Sammy has stumbled upon a horny devil!

No, really. This is Dean. He is a horny devil. He is fond of mullet rock and women and loves his car and his little brother in that order. He is not fond of chick flick moments because they are GAY and he is a MAN.

Hello boys. Nice to finally SEE YOU.

Thank you, Jess, for turning on the frigging lights already. You are a smart woman, so obviously, you must die.

Look! Look at all the pretty! Incidentally, how young was Jared Padalecki? He looks like a baby.

So, according to my best friend, the Exposition Fairy, Daddy (remember him?) is missing. He’s gone hunting, apparently, and has fallen off the face of the earth or been eaten by something or possibly tripped into the pits of hell. Um…spoiler? This does not please Sam, who bitchfaces his displeasure.

I wants it, precious…I mean…um…This is Dean! Again! Hi! Ahem. Moving on.

Just so we’re clear, Sam-don’t-call-me-Sammy will help, but he won’t be happy. A lot.

And now’s the time on Supernatural where we meet the Monster Chow. This guy:

Is going to die. Because he is an IDIOT for picking up a hitchhiker in the middle of bum-fucking nowhere at night, no less.

And this chick:

Is going to kill him. Because he is an IDIOT for picking up a hitchhiker in the middle of bum-fucking nowhere at night, no less. Also because she’s wearing white and we all know that on this show white = death. And, oh yeah, she’s an evil spirit.

Remember this, y’all. This is the last time you’re going to see that smile for a long-ass time. Because Sam-don’t-call-me-Sammy is not happy about this trip. A lot.

Oh, look. Conveniently placed cops on a creepy bridge. They probably know something, and because this is television, they’ll be more than willing to give away crucial information that will help the boys find Monster Chow.

See? Giving up crucial information. Also known as cop talk of BORING. Moving on.

Hey, look! It’s the bitchface!

Still with the cop talk? Really? Okay, fine. If you must. So, uh, Monster Chow’s car was found but there is no sign of Monster Chow, because the woman in white ate him. I mean, I guess she ate him. I couldn’t see any damn thing in that scene.

Except for all the blood. I could see the blood.

Now our boys go sleuthing in town to figure out what Monster Chow was up to the day he died.

In a cleansing burst of synchronicity, they stumble upon his Goth-lite girlfriend, who has never watched Charmed and therefore doesn’t know that a pentagram isn’t a sign of the devil. Not that I ever watched Charmed, or anything.

God-fucking-dammit. More poorly lit scenes. They’re in a library! There are always lights in a library! People read in libraries and you can’t read without light.

The Google-fu (or would that be Fauxgle-fu?) turns up this:

Which leads our boys here:

And we’re walking, we’re walking, and we’re stopping.

And now we’re arguing.

And now we’re being attacked by a possessed Impala. Which, no. Not cool. Do not mess with Metallicar, mmkay? Mess with the car and I will cut a bitch.

Now, you may be wondering how Dean is able to take care of the necessities: eating, sleeping, washing off the toilet smell after diving into the murky waters under the Sylvania Bridge, if all he does is hunt down evil spirits and doesn’t get paid for it. It’s called credit card fraud, and it is Dean’s best friend. I mean Mr. Aframian’s best friend.

Sam and Dean stumble upon Daddy’s Wall of Weird Wall of Important Information. They sure do a lot of stumbling upon crucial information in this show.

And Dean was like, “Just wanna do something special, for all the ladies in the world. So, I’m gonna go take a shower now.”

And all the ladies in the world were like, “Mmm…Dean…” And Dean was all, “I know, right?!” And then…

“Oh, shit! The cops! I hope Sammy gets away from them and doesn’t stand there like a fool watching me get handcuffed.”

Oops…

So, now Dean’s in jail, talking to a very unhappy cop. This guy’s either going to think “here’s another guy with a fake ID, or “here’s McLovin, 25 year old Hawaiian organ donor.”

“I am McLovin.”

Here’s our first introduction to The Journal. Yes, The Journal. This is the Holy Grail of supernatural information. The Winchester Bible, if you will. It is full of fun information about all sorts of….zzzz. Whatever. It’s a book with a bunch of supernatural shit in it.

While Dean is chillin’ like a villain in jail, Sam is HOLY SHIT. Look at how tall he is!

Even this guy’s like, “Dayum. Do you play basketball, son?”

“Uh, no? And I’m not your son, son. Can we please get on with the interview about your freaky not dead wife?”

And this guy’s all, “Wha?! My wife is dead!” And Sam’s like, “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead–she’s slightly alive.” And this guy’s all, “Oh ok! Well if she’s not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the…”

And we won’t let him finish that statement, because ew.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch jail…

“You really think you can break out of my prison?” “You won’t even know I was here.” The cop was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

And then Dean puts his paper-clip-skillz of lock picking to good use…

And now he’s not in jail anymore! Suck on that, Deputy Doubtful!

All that time in the pen must have confused Dean, because now that he’s out of jail, he’s making his one phone call…

…to Sam, who is not amused…

…okay, maybe he’s a little amused.

But “amused” and “driving the Metallicar on a creepy bridge at night” don’t mix. Obviously.

Now Sam is really not amused.

And neither are the Sam girls of the world, who cry FOUL at this woman getting to jump his bones.

But only because she’s trying to rip his heart out, and damn that’s gotta hurt.

Wow. That is…really unattractive. Or it would be if there were actual light in this scene.

But look, Dean’s got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Only we can’t see it because someone forgot to pay the electricity bill this month, KRIPKE.

But now Sam’s got a cunning plan, involving ramming the Metallicar into the creepy old house because all the evil ghost woman wanted was to go home.

Except she didn’t really want to go home because she killed her kids before she killed herself, and now they want revenge, and she knows they want revenge, so she’s been killing men on the bridge for years because…uh…oh, who the hell cares.

So, that happened.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “I think so. But if I put on two tutus, would I really be wearing a four-by-four?”

“Why do I even bother asking?”

“Maybe it’s all part of some huge, cosmic plot formula!”

After a job well done (by a couple of dead kids, like, aren’t you supposed to be good at this saving people, hunting things, Sam and Dean?), it’s time to say goodbye to Sam.

Who promptly passes out from the exhausting work of letting two dead kids do his job, and seriously? Is he twelve? Look at that baby face.

When all of a sudden, the strings of “Oh no, not again!” start up. Psst–Sam! You’ve got some red on you.

And then Sammy: Lord of the Flame decides he wants some action at the end of the episode.

Luckily for Lord of the Flames, Dean hasn’t left yet and is quick to the point to the point no fakin’ in saving his little brother’s bacon.

Now Sam really wants to find Daddy, but he’s going to be unhappy about it. A lot.

But that’s okay, because look. Look at all the pretty! I’m guessing. It’s still pretty dark.

(images from here)

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Entry filed under: random amusement, television. Tags: , .

Friday’s photo (on Tuesday) I know that voice…

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kegger  |  June 11, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Holy crap that’s long!

    And, yeah, it looks like that show definitely needs more lighting!

    Reply
  • 2. Bee  |  November 30, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    hell yes.

    Reply
  • 3. Julia  |  June 5, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    That was great they should make more! And i agree they need more lighting

    Reply

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