Archive for March, 2008

Countdown to The Office

April 10 is the best day of the year, as far as I’m concerned. And since tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, I thought I’d combine the two and give you my top Office pranks, one a day until The Office returns.

Number 11: Secret Agent Man

The episode: A Benihana Christmas

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The players: Jim and Pam

The prank: Dwight is only tangentially involved in this prank. It’s more about Jim and Pam’s relationship than anything. Anyway, Pam’s Christmas gift to Jim is a classified folder full of information on her ongoing Dwight prank. She has carefully set Dwight up to think that he is being recruited by the CIA to perform a top-secret mission, even getting him to reveal all sorts of secrets he promised to never tell. Jim gets to decide exactly what that top-secret mission is. He initially rejects Pam’s gift (because of his new status as Assistant to the Regional Manager, he’s evolving, blah blah we want fun!Jim back), but then, smart boy, he rejects the rejection. Together, they send Dwight to the roof to wait for a helicopter from Langley, where he receives the following ominous text message: “You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.”

March 31, 2008 at 7:17 pm 2 comments

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I am with the last Harry Potter book

Ever since they announced that they’re going to make the final HP book into 2 movies instead of one, I’ve been thinking.

I didn’t like Harry Potter and the Dealthy Hallows. I was somewhat disappointed with it when it first came out, but now, the more I think about it, the more I’m just PISSED. I mean, I still have an assload of questions. And you aren’t supposed to have an assload of questions at the end of a series, all of your questions are supposed to be answered! And I don’t want to get my answers from some stupid J.K. Rowling interview, I want to get my answers from the BOOK!

And also, I think most of the book was a complete waste of time. Couldn’t Rowling have condensed all of the aimless wandering into less space? Because honestly, I was bored with Harry, Hermione, and Ron fighting all of the time and walking around with no clue as to where to go. That could have been shortened a LOT.

I also don’t like that it wasn’t at Hogwarts. I missed Ginny and Neville and all of the professors and classes. It’s like Rowling created the awesome, kickass world that is Hogwarts, and then said, “Oh, nevermind, I’m taking it away, we aren’t going there again!” Well, foo on you! I don’t want to read about Harry wandering around all angsty, I want to read about Harry in his final year of school with his friends. And he can be angsty with his friends all he wants, but at least make him angsty with other people instead of wandering around aimlessly by himself and fighting constantly with his two best friends over and over again! That was BORING! Things concerning Voldemort have always happened in Hogwarts, why couldn’t he have stayed at Hogwarts? I mean, in the end, he ended up in Hogwarts, anyway. That’s where all the trouble ends up happening, so why leave it?

And the fight scene–it felt so rushed. It’s like, the entire book was blah blah blah, slow slow slow, aimless wandering, and then BAM! We’re back at Hogwarts and everything is crazy and there’s fighting and there’s no cool down time, or anything. If I were to compare it to an exercise, it was like the warm up was WAY too long, the actual vigorous exercise that gets your heart pumping was WAY too short, and then there was no cool down period to keep you from getting sore muscles. It was just suddenly over.

And THEN we get this REALLY crappy Epilogue that pretty much tells us nothing! We find out that Harry and Ginny end up together and have kids (which we knew all along.) We find out that Ron and Hermione end up together (which we also knew all along.) But we don’t find out crap about what happened after Voldemort was dead. I mean, sure, Voldy was dead, but I imagine there were some bad witches that they had to deal with–like Malfoy’s father. What happened to them? And the Ministry of Magic was a complete wreck, right? What happened with the magical government? How did they get their crap straight? And did Harry and Ron and Hermione go back to school for their last year? For that matter, Hogwarts was completely trashed after the big fight and half of the students were injured or had snuck out of the secret tunnel, etc. So what happened? Did they have to postpone the end of the year, what?! WHAT HAPPENED?!? Who ended up as Headmaster after Snape died? What did Ron and Harry and Hermione and Ginny end up doing for a living? When did they end up getting married and having babies? I WANT ANSWERS, DAMNIT! And NOT from interviews!!!

And what happened to the Weasley’s? How did they deal with the death of George? I think it was George that died. It might have been Fred, I really can’t remember. I would have liked it more if Percy had been the one that was offed, honestly, but she had to pick one of the twins to make it more sad and emotional, I’m sure. And that wasn’t a big suprirse, either. I mean, there were so many Weasley’s that you knew that at least one of them would die.

And Tons and Remus. I wanted more of them. And what was the point of making Harry the godfather if he didn’t even raise their baby? You’d think Harry would have wanted to raise the baby no matter how young he was simply because he didn’t want the baby to be as unfortunate as he had been. But anyway.

as;ldfjasodfkja;lsdfkj!!! I’m sure I could complain a LOT more, but I’ll stop for now. I’m sure that amelie has a few things to add.

March 31, 2008 at 3:01 pm 4 comments

Sometimes it would be so much fun to be a bitch

Everyday, I drive by this catering company called “Nation’s Best Catering.”  It ticks me off every time.  I’ve never actually tried their catering to see if it’s actually good or not, but I think it’s pretty damn cocky (not to mention impossible to prove, and therefor it’s kind of false advertising when you think about it) to name your company “Nation’s Best Catering.” 

 So I was driving to work the other day and I was particularly grumpy–mostly because I was being someone who was going BELOW the speed limit (which is one of my pet peeves)  and also because I didn’t want to be awake, anyway–and I decided that catering company really annoyed me. 

And that if I ever got a chance to do it (even though I know absolutely nothing at all about catering) I would by the building RIGHT next to it, and open a catering company called “World’s Best Catering,” just to piss them off. 

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  That’s become a fantasy of mine.  Sometimes, I think it would be a lot of fun to be a bitch and do things like that. 

Another fantasy of mine:  I want to buy one of those 1970’s or 80’s Cadillacs.  You know, of of those big ass cars that is pure metal.  The ones where if you hit a tree, the tree falls over, but there isn’t even a dent in the car.  I want one of those cars.  And I want to get an asslodad of insurance on it, and then, when people pull out in front of me or when they drive like idiots around me, I’m just going to stop slamming on my breaks to keep from hitting them.  I’m just going to hit them and start collecting insurance money.  I bet I would have so many wrecks that it would be a daily occurance. 

I’ve decided that the driving test needs to be much more difficult than it is. 

Also concerning driving:  There is actually a woman who drives a white Lexus that lives somewhere around my husband and I, and every morning and every afternoon on her way home from work, she reads while driving.  SHE FREAKING READS A BOOK WHILE DRIVING!  I like to read, too, but seriously!  That’s dangerous!  I keep expecting to see her in a wreck one afternoon.  I mean, you can only tempt fate so much, right?  And she’s most definitely not paying attention to her driving. 

March 31, 2008 at 2:33 pm 2 comments

“To get to the heart of the story, you have to go back to the beginning.”

For the past week or so, kegger and I have been playing a game. I’ll call it JR-M ass.
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March 26, 2008 at 4:39 pm 3 comments

I’m famous!

Well, not really, but a girl can pretend, can’t she? I did this banner for thetvaddict.com:

my-banner.jpg

March 26, 2008 at 1:43 pm 1 comment

You know how I know you’re me?

amelie bee and I are remarkably similar in many, many ways. We decided that y’all need to know just how alike we really are. First up, television.

We watch a lot of television. It’s our thing; don’t judge us. Between the two of us, we watch just about any show imaginable. Here is a breakdown of the shows we like, separated by genre:

sitcoms.jpg

ab: I only included shows I own, because those shows generally have a high rewatchability factor (average number of times I have watched an entire season x average number of times a random, inappropriate quote from that show pops into my head a day, with bonus points if I can name the episode, season and speaker of the quote.) So while I genuinely like NewsRadio (and Will and Grace and Frasier and Cheers…), I don’t own ’em and I can’t quote ’em. And I didn’t include all the sitcoms I own, either (Scrubs, Coupling). I did include It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Flight of the Conchords—sitcoms with only one season on DVD (well, two in Sunny’s case, but they’re short seasons). I cannot count the number of times I want to tell the world that I’m the hiphopopotamus and my lyrics are bottomless. Or exclaim with awe and respect, “Goddamit, Agent Jack Bauer. You really are the man.” Or share an awkward moment between friends at the welfare store.

kegger: Ditto. Mostly. I had a very hard time deciding what to add and what not to add to sitcoms because I love sitcoms. They make me smile and giggle like an idiot. And giggling is one of my favorite pastimes. So I decided to pick the ones I watch the most, and I do have all of my choices on DVD except for Earl. And the IT Crowd (because it’s a UK television show–I was bad and downloaded the shows off the internet so that I could watch them at home. Hurry up and get here, U.S. version, and please be as awesome as the British version!!!)

ab: The American version of IT gets bonus points for having Joel McHale.

UPDATE: Since making our venn diagrams, kegger has officially made amelie bee addicted to the IT Crowd, as well. I’m so proud! 🙂

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March 25, 2008 at 6:09 pm Leave a comment

Dear Presidential Candidates,

Dear Hillary Clinton:

Why do you have to be president AGAIN?! Haven’t you already been president for eight years? Why do you wanna do it again? Go away!

Also, concerning your little “I was shot at by snipers in Bosnia” comment that turned out to be a big fat lie: You recently said that you “misspoke,” and that you couldn’t keep up with everything that you’ve said. NEWSFLASH! YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY IF YOU DON’T LIE, YOU STUPID DUMBASS!

Please go away and get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear Barak Obama:

I’m beginning to think that you’re as full of crap as Hillary. I have a big problem with you going to a church that preaches hate for 20 years. I mean, I can understand you visiting a few times to see if you like it, but if it’s teaching hate, I’m just not okay with the fact that you went there for 20 years and now you want to be president of our country. You can’t tell me that you don’t at least partially agree with your former pastor, especially when you’ve called him your “mentor” more than once. I think I would like you to go away, too. Please get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear John McCain:

I don’t care if you were a POW in Vietnam. Why does that make you more qualified to run our country? Haven’t you run for president enough times unsuccessfully to realize that no one REALLY wants you to be president? Please go away and get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger

Dear Ralph Nadar:

Seriously, why are you even bothering?

Sincerely,

Kegger

March 25, 2008 at 3:06 pm Leave a comment

Friday’s Photo

It’s technically my week to post the photo, so here it is. No flowers this week–it’s my cousin’s cat, Esther. She’s a gorgeous and very friendly cat. I’m not a cat person, so that’s saying something.

Esther

March 14, 2008 at 2:25 pm 1 comment

Dear…

  • Dear Britney Spears,

Please get the hell off of my television.  And please start wearing panties.  No one wants to see your yoo-hoo.    

Sincerely,  

Kegger   

  • Dear politician people,

Please get the hell off of my television.  I don’t like you.  Please go away.

Sincerely,

Kegger    

  • Dear Lindsey Lohan,

You’re a dirty skanky whore.  Please get the hell off of my television.

Sincerely,

Kegger   

  • Dear Paris Hilton,

You’ve got to be the stupidest human being that God has ever created.  Please get the hell off of my television.  And stop saying, “That’s hot,” because it’s not hot at all–it’s actually quite obnoxious.  

Sincerely, 

Kegger     

  • Dear Jared Leto,

You were so freakin’ hot in My So-Called Life.  I mean, seriously, lickably hot.  (You were also seriously hot in Requiem for a Dream until you got all heroinish, and you were also quite lickable in Fight Club until you were beaten into a bloody pulp and got all toothless and ugly.)  Please, get on my television screen more often.  Please.  Or better yet, screw the television, just come sit by me on my couch so I can watch you in person.  But please get rid of the guyliner when you aren’t on stage singing with your band.  

Sincerely,

Kegger

P.S.–You’re hot.      

  • Dear oil executive people,

Please lower gas prices.  I’m begging you.  I’m getting desperate here.  And please stop taking yearly $440 million dollar bonuses.  Seriously, isn’t a million dollar bonus enough?  I mean, after you reach a billion or so, do you really NEED more money?  And if you don’t lower your gas prices, I think someone should go Mr. and Mrs. Smith on your asses and assasinate you all,  and leave creepy letters next to your bodies that say “This is what happens to oil executives who raise gas prices.”  And then, the upcoming oil executives might just be balls scared.  And maybe fear of being assisinated just might keep them from raising gas prices.  [Side Note:  If this really does happen, please take note that I wouldn’t ever seriously assassinate someone.  But it is fun to think about being a spy.  Being a spy could be fun.  Like Sydney Bristow on Alias.  I freakin love that show.  I totally made me want to be a spy.] 

Sincerely,

Kegger  

  • Dear Writer’s Guild of America people,

Thank you thank you thank you for ending the strike.  Please bring back good television as soon as possible!  And please tell the people in charge that shows like “Dance with the Stars,” or “Dance with Your Mom,” or whatever the hell they’re called SUCK!!  Please tell them to get those shows the hell off my television. 

Sincerely,

Kegger  

  • Dear amelie bee,

We seriously need to blog more often.  And we need to work less.  

Sincerely,

Kegger  

March 12, 2008 at 12:34 am 1 comment

A movie thing

Here’s a movie questionnaire I found in my random stumblings on the Internet. I was bored, it was there, so here are my answers:

Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times.
White Christmas. I’ve watched it every year while decorating the Christmas tree since I was 10 or 11. I’m now 25. You do the math. I’ve also seen the Princess Bride more times than I can count.

Name a movie you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
Hmmm…Maybe Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? I think I saw that one twice, but I’m not sure.

Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie.
It really depends on the plot and not who’s in it, but I guess I am more likely to see a crappy movie with, oh, Reese Witherspoon or George Clooney than a truly excellent movie with…

Name an actor who would make you less inclined to see a movie.
Tom Cruise.

Name a movie that you can and do quote from.
Just one? Sigh. Serenity:

“…this landing is going to get pretty interesting.” “Define interesting. ” “Oh god, oh god, we’re all gonna die”?

“Kaylee, what in the sphincter of hell are you playing at?”

“I swallowed a bug.”

“I’ll kill a man in a fair fight, or if I think he’s gonna start a fair fight… If he bothers me, or if there’s a woman… Or if I’m gettin’ paid. Mostly only when I’m gettin’ paid.”

“Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket…”

“Hell with this. I’m gonna live!”

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March 6, 2008 at 5:27 pm Leave a comment


Twitter: kegger

  • RT @morganisawizard: cracking down on billionaires’ tax evasion does not look like monitoring $600 bank transfers. the lengths you people w… 1 day ago
  • @KangaMage @darthcaro @renaissancezoee I did it. Got married at 23. It’s called self control. It’s not hard. 1 month ago
  • RT @SteveDeaceShow: 75% of adults vaccinated according to NYT. Combined with natural immunity, CDC says at least 80% have some immunity to… 1 month ago
  • RT @BurgessOwens: Free people should never be comfortable with the term "I'll use my power as President to get them out of the way"... 1 month ago
  • RT @kirstiealley: People are becoming so “open minded” that down the road they will support pediphilia as people “just loving children” You… 3 months ago

Twitter: ameliebee

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