Archive for June 22, 2007

Everybody poops.

I have always wondered why the discussion ofpoo.jpg bodily functions got to be such a taboo topic, seeing as to we all have the same bodily functions, more or less.  How did it get to be such an odd topic?  If we all do it, what’s the big deal? 

Public Poops  

There’s just something about pooping in public that’s just… unpleasant.  That’s not something you want to do around other people.  Remember life in the dorm room?  My freshman year, after the first few weeks, there was one particular stall in the very back of the bathroom that unofficially became designated the “poop” stall.  If someone was in that stall, you knew they were pooping.  You didn’t go into that stall if you didn’t have to poop.  Peeing was reserved for the front stalls.  The back stall also happened to be the darkest stall (the toilet area of the bathroom wasn’t very well lit, anyway.)  Maybe that is one reason why people preferred it.  When someone else came into the bathroom while the pooper was mid-poop, the pooper would freeze, and just kind of be quiet and invisible until the other person left.  I think it’s that way it is with any public poop, though.  You try to be as quiet and inconspicuous as possible, and you try to get your poops out during toilet flushes, or while the hand blow dryer-thingie is running. 

 Guy Poops

I always thought that most men weren’t as bashful about pooping as girls were.  I think I might have been wrong about that.  Well, either that, or my husband is a little bit odd. 

I’m a kind of blunt person, and I’m not very tactful sometimes, I admit.  Seeing as how we’ve almost been married for two years, I don’t think pooping is that big of a deal anymore.  I don’t bother  locking the door when I poop, I just close it.  He knows that if the door is closed, he shouldn’t go in there.  However, he STILL locks the door when he poops.  AND he turns the sink faucet on and runs the water while he poops.  (He’s never admitted it, but I highly suspect this is to drown out the sound of pooping.)  I’ve never seen a guy so strange when it comes to pooping, I thought they were open and… gross about it, but I guess maybe I was wrong. 

Getting married taught me a lot about guys that I had no clue about before.  For example, all of my husband’s family (the males, anyway)–his brother, his dad, his grandfather, etc.–ALL use baby wipes to wipe their asses with after a poop.  I had never heard of this before.  Why not just use toilet paper?!?  Now that I’ve gotten used to it, it DOES make sense–I do think that it probably cleans better than dry tissue paper, but still.  I’d never seen that before.  I mentioned this to my mom after I got married, and I learned that my stepdad also has strange wiping habits after he poops, although they are different habits.  He wets his tissue paper with alcohol.  What?!?!?  WHY?!  That seems even odder to me. 

So, are baby wipes and alcohol normal for guys?  Was I just uninformed? 

Stinky Poops

This guy that I used to work with, we’ll call him Fred, used to have the STINKIEST poops in the history of the universe.  Matches, candles, and air freshener could NOT get rid of his stench.  We would open the doors, put a fan in the bathroom, and it would still smell like asshole in there.  His poops lasted all.day.long.  And he pooped like clockwork every day at around 10:00.  I have to say, I felt bad for the guy, because he was kind of a social outcast, anyway (he also didn’t cut his fingernails.  Which was just gross.)  but still, he didn’t make life any better for himself because he pooped so openly in public.  It would have been one thing if he didn’t have the stinkiest poops in the history of the universe, but he DID.  If I were him, I would at least have driven to a gas station or something where no one knew me or something.  He also had the tendency to poot all day long, so his cubicle was quite stinky.  But what I want to know is, WHY were his poops so stinky?  They were in a different league with any other poop I’ve ever had the misfortune of smelling.  Why?!  What makes one person’s poops capable of knocking someone out, and another person’s no big deal? 

June 22, 2007 at 1:55 pm 1 comment

Blasts of Cold Air and Icy Treats

Push-up popIt’s summer in Mississippi, which means one thing: it’s hotter than the armpits of hell. Summer is the time of the year when I become jealous of polar bears and ice fishermen. Since I’m not a polar bear, I don’t live anywhere near a polar ice cap, and I’d probably fall in if I ever went ice fishing, here’s how I stay cool in the miserable heat of summer.
Air Conditioning

When my mother was a girl, she would visit her grandmother in Vicksburg, Miss., every summer. My great-grandmother did not have air conditioning, and she would not let the overhead fans run at night. I can’t even imagine living like this. Sprinkle in a few spiders and you’ve got every nightmare I’ve ever had. Currently, I’m renting the upstairs of a two-story house with one air conditioner–on the first floor. If I didn’t have my overhead fan and my desk fan, I would melt like the Wicked Witch of the East every night. When they say hot air rises, they aren’t lying. I foresee a window unit in my future, because I won’t make it through this summer with fans alone.

One of the best things about being outside is walking into fully air conditioned, 65 degree building. Feeling that first rush of cold, dry air on your face never gets old. On really hot days, I like to find floor vents and act like Marilyn Monroe in the Seven Year Itch. Try it sometime and tell me it’s not as wonderful as it looks.

Standing in front of the open refrigerator

When the first blast of the air conditioner doesn’t provide enough chill, planting your face in the fridge is a perfectly acceptable alternative. I know this isn’t exactly the most PC thing to do. I know it wastes energy. I know that having a working air conditioner completely negates any reason for doing this. But ohmygod is it heavenly. I don’t recommend randomly open the fridge for the cold air. That would be wasteful.

Popsicles

Nothing says summer like frozen, colored, sugar water. The best of the best is Flav-R-Ice, the Kool-aid-sweet ice treats that come in plastic sleeves. My favorite flavors are pink and blue. I know pink and blue are colors and not flavors, but as much as I love Flav-R-Ice, I’ve never taken the time to figure out what the Flavs actually are. Purple tastes like cough syrup, red has a slight chemical aftertaste, and orange is just okay.

The Flintstones push-up pops are a close runner-up to the best of the best Popsicle award. Technically, these aren’t Popsicles. Technically, I don’t care. They are frozen and yummy orange sherbet treats that were the best part of elementary school lunches. Even when the cardboard tube would get soggy and gross, even when I got down to the plastic platform that pushed the pop up, I adored this summertime specialty.

Sweet tea

Cold? Check. Sweet? Check? Drinkable? Check. What’s not to love about sweet tea? Better than a cold beer on a hot day, sweet tea completes every barbecue, cookout, and potluck dinner. Fried anything without sweet tea is just not right. Sweet tea is not strictly a summer treat, but it’s so much more satisfying on a 100-degree day than it is on a 45-degree winter day.

Yeah. We don’t get very cold winters down here. But that’s for another day.

Frozen fruity drinks

As much as I love sweet tea, nothing beats a daiquiri, rum runner, frozen margarita, or key lime freeze. It has all the properties of sweet tea–cold, sweet, drinkable–with a little something extra: alcohol. You know what they say. It’s five o’clock somewhere.

These are not the healthiest ways to stay cool. I get that. This is just how I do it.

That’s what she said.

June 22, 2007 at 12:00 am 4 comments


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