Barney Stinson’s Legendary Guide to being Awesome

You can learn a lot from television. Things like how to create the perfect crime scene (watch out for those loose hairs. They’ll get you every damn time.) or how to successfully make a souffle. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to be awesome. It’s fairly simple:

1. Get rid of the goatee. It doesn’t go with your suit.

2. Get a suit.

3. Don’t even think about getting married until you’re 30.

4. Don’t wait for the signal. Just kiss her or him.

5. Grab life  by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

6. If you get caught accidentally grinding with your cousin at a very loud club, italics: that night did not happen.

8. Every Halloween, bring a spare costume in case you strike out with the hottest girl or guy at the party. That way, you have a second chance to make a first impression.

9. If a first date goes badly, it’s okay to use the lemon law. (It’s gonna be a thing.)

10. Remember that helping people less fortunate than you is the greatest pleasure in the world. That, and getting your toes sucked.

11. If your brain screws you up, power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation-style. Five shots should do the trick.

12. Always have a back-up Get Psyched Mix in case Not!Moby steals the original.

13. To avoid embarrassing moments with your stand-in bro, remember that Battelship is not an internationally recognized term for sex.

14. Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!

15. When crashing a high school prom, Go Ho or Go Home.

16. Your job is an important part of your image. Example: chicks think that architects are hot because architects create something out of nothing. They’re like God. There is no one hotter than God.

17. The four most important words at a wedding: It’s for the bride.

18. Create a list of attainable goals and cross off your accomplishments.
Example: “Of my list all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which/on which it is possible to have sex, I have had sex in/on 31 out of 33.”

19. Learn how to seduce properly:
First, buy her or him a drink. Then pretend to be interested in whatever (s)he cares about. Be all sympathetic and before you know it, (s)he’s naked in your apartment shouting (your name here).

20. Allow people to slap your face, but do not allow them to slap your mind.

21. Invest at the gym. You’ll see aggressive growth in your future

22. Don’t poop where you eat.

23. It’s okay to be the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women he’s slept with but it’s not okay to sleep with a woman and not even remember her.

24. Comfort your friends in their hour of need. If that involves really hot kissing, so be it.

25. And finally, when you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.

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