Is it just us…

…or is this guy/frog/whatever-the-hell very stereotypically gay?

Ya’ll know that amelie and I have a love/hate relationship with Disney.  Disney is awesome, but then they’ll do something that makes my soul die, like making Tod and Copper not friends.  (It’s just not right, dammit!)  But we’ve ranted about that before.

Well, today I stumbled upon a trailer for their newest Disney animated princess movie:

They’re taking it from The Frog Prince story (except they’re calling it The Princess and the Frog–which totally doesn’t sound right, but whatever, Disney.) and Disney has decided that it’s about time we had a black princess, which I’m fine with.  But the instant I saw this trailer, I thought two things:

1. Dude.  Who cares if the princess is black?  Fairy tale princesses are NOT ghetto.  And this princess is talking like she wants to be ghetto.  Princesses are trained and schooled and refined.
2. That frog is so stereotypically gay it’s not even funny.  I mean, I know he’s supposed to be her Prince Charming, and they wear tights and capes and other clothes that would make Liberace jealous, but Prince Frog is trying too hard to play it straight. He probably stays in his castle dancing to Judy Garland records with his “best friend” Michigan J. Frog.

This movie seems doomed from the start.  A ghetto princess, a gay prince, and as amelie brought up to me, you KNOW people are going to bitch about them being an interracial couple.  (Even though, dude, he’s gay.  They’d totally be BFFs, not boyfriend/girlfriend.)  And in response to the interracial couple thing, we present you with  exhibit A:  Beauty and the Beast, and exhibit B:  The Little Mermaid.  What’s worse?  Beastiality or interracial dating?

But still.  That frog is totally gay.

Edit: After we wrote this, amelie said this in an e-mail.  I freaking love it: You know what I realized, editing that post? This is the worst Disney movie ever. It’s got homosexuality, beastiality, and an interracial couple. Now I kind of want to see it.

Edit again in amelie’s defense because she didn’t think anyone but kegger was going to read that: Not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuality or interracial couples. (You’re on your own, chicken lovers). It’s just all three in one movie…it’s a lot. Bold move, Disney.

—

&  

It’s called “sex” not “making love”

Once again, amelie and I have found yet another random thing that we have in common. Last night I was watching Doogie Howser with Puddle. Don’t judge–Niel Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother gave Puddle and me the itch to watch it. [amelie: NPH gives me the itch to...um. What?] During the first episode, someone says something about “making love.” amelie and I were e-mailing back and forth (as usual), and I couldn’t help but bring up how much I HATE that phrase. I can’t even tell you why I hate that phrase. I just do. It makes me cringe for some reason every time I hear it. It just seems so awkward and fake and… ick. And of course, since we’re, like, the exact same freakin’ person, she comes back with, OMG, I HATE THAT PHRASE, TOO! [amelie: Technically, I said, "OMG That Term is one of my least favorite phrases EVER!] [kegger: Yeah, yeah. Details, details.]

[Side note: From now on, we will be referring to That Term as "shitting on turtles."]

I mean, seriously. What the hell does shitting on turtles mean, anyway? How exactly do you shit on turtles? How does that work? The whole phrase makes no sense. In this day and age, half the people who shit on turtles aren’t even in love with each other, they’re just random sex buddies or one night stands. [Side note the second: neither amelie nor I have random sex buddies or one night stands. Not that there's anything wrong with that; we just don't roll that way. Unless it's one of both of one of Two Certain Someones Who Are Too Hot To Live then we might consider it. Because they're effing hot.] [amelie: Mmhmm.] [kegger: For those of you who are crazy curious, you remember that AWESOME picture that amelie shared with me that we didn't share? One of the guys is him. And... wow. Just wow.] [amelie: it's the gift that keeps on giving. You're welcome.] Since you aren’t in love with the person, you shouldn’t really be able to consider sex with said person to be shitting on turtles.

It’s sex. Plain and simple. It’s just sex. It’s not shitting on turtles. Why do people have so much trouble saying the word “sex”? Why do they have to make it sound all flowery and romantic by calling it shitting on turtles? I don’t get it. Is it one of those words people hate saying, like “penis” or “vagina”? [Side note part the third: I don't really like the word "vagina." It just sounds icky to me. Penis, I can handle. But, as you can see, I'm still typing it, instead of calling it something flowery, like "lady parts" or "girly bits" or some other ridiculous phrase.] [amelie: I don't have a problem with either word. They way I see it, if a kindergartner can say it, so can I.][kegger: I don't think I knew that word in kindergarten. What teacher did YOU have?!? We called them "tootoo's" and "peepee's". Yes, I know. Cheesy.][amelie: *rolls eyes* I didn't say I said "penis" or "vagina" in kindergarten. Did you even click on the link? I bet you didn't. I don't insert links for my own amusement. Well, okay, I do, but they are informational.][kegger: I'll get to the link eventually.  I'm a procrastinator, remember?!]

And who talks like that, anyway? If Puddle ever said, “Let’s shit on turtles” to me, I would bust out laughing. I just wouldn’t be able to take it seriously. We just don’t talk like that. It’s weird. Likewise, I would never be able to say, “shit on turtles with me!” and keep a straight face. It’s just too damn cheesy.

I mean… seriously… who says that? Besides the actors on TV.

—

mostly with a sprinkle of

Let Us Direct Your Attention

To this little bit of insanity. Look, we don’t watch One Tree Hill, which we’re sure has many wonderful, entertaining moments. But this? Is probably not one of those moments.

Heart transplants: Not funny
Klutzy couriers carrying a cooler with a heart transplant and faceplanting onto the hospital floor: a little funny
Heart projectiling out of the cooler and skidding across the floor: even funnier, but only because it’s a fake heart on a fictional tv show and no real hearts were damaged during filming.
Random dog in a hospital waiting room: WTF? No, really. WTF is a dog doing in a hospital waiting room? Dudes, we live in Mississippi and even here they don’t allow dogs in hospital waiting rooms.
Random dog EATING THE FAKE HEART and NO ONE DOES ANYTHING TO STOP HIM: HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! HAHAHAHAHA! oh, what the hell. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play.

Yep. Never gets old.

—

& 

Finale Wrap-Up part 2

Epic fail. EPIC FAIL. How long has this post been sitting on my computer and I’ve been to damn lazy to post it? I suck. Anyway. On to part 2.

Oh, and we were going to add Bones to the wrap-up, but neither kegger nor I watch that show (I catch the reruns on TNT every now and then), and our back-up blogger is MIA with bar review. (PSST–brooklyn, how’s it going?). And I swear there was another show in here, but fuck if I remember what it was.

How I Met Your Mother
Break-Ups: Robin and Barney
Make-Ups: Robin and Barney
Break-Ups: Robin and Barney
Make-Ups: Robin and Barney
Shake-Ups: Robin finds out Barney is in love with her and tries to Mosby him (telling him she’s in love with him like Ted did to her in the pilot, thus killing any feelings Barney may have) multiple times, only it doesn’t really work, and it turns out that she might have real feelings for him. Marshall finally takes the leap and jumps to the neighbor’s tricked-out roof and doesn’t die. Everyone else takes the leap, too. Oh, and Ted gets his ass kicked by Missy Mr. Goat in an awesome “Murder Train” montage.
Tumor Count: None, although Ted did have a goat-hoof-print on his forehead for a while, which is funnier than it should be.
Possible Spin-Off: Missy the Goat Kicks Your Ass. Does what it says on the tin–Missy the Goat sneaks into your house and kicks your ass.

—

Supernatural, Lucifer Rising

Break-Ups: Sam and Dean, briefly. Dean and Castiel, briefly. Sam and Ruby, permanently motherfuckers, HELL YEAH.

Make-Ups: Sam and Dean, possibly, although I’m still not convinced they’re back to their normal levels of brothers-who-sort-of-like-each-other-ness, yet. Dean and Castiel (renegade angel, oh my stars!)

Shake-Ups: Sam kills Lilith, whose death was the final seal. Dumbass. Lucifer is set free. Ruby has been playing Sam’s dumbass the entire time, but Dean, with a little help from broken puppy dumbass Sammy, kills her deader than any dead thing that ever died, and much rejoicing was heard across the internet.

Tumor Count: Does Ruby count? Because I think she infected my tv with some sort of demonic virus. Bitch.

Possible Spin-Offs: Propheteering, in which the prophet Chuck and the angel Castiel use Chuck’s knowledge of the future to avert the apocalypse and save people from horrible deaths, all financed by Chuck’s incredible lottery luck. Operates in the same universe as Supernatural, so cross-over episodes are easily produced and highly encouraged. Watch Ruby Die, in wich Sam and Dean kill Ruby over and over and over and over again.

—

& 

Finale Wrap-Up Part 1

It’s finale season again, and we same-brained girls thought we’d hook y’all up with a cheat sheet of different shows and how they ended. Some shows we watch and love, some shows we watch and merely tolerate, and some shows we don’t watch at all. But we are dedicated professionals here to give you the skinny. Look for Part 2 after Monday’s How I Met Your Mother finale.

The Office, Company Picnic

Break-Ups: Dunder-Mifflin and the Buffalo branch via an awkward Slumdunder Mifflinaire skit performed by Michael and Holly.

Make-Ups: Holly and Michael, friends forever. But maybe more. Many, many years down the road. Jim and Dwight’s frenemy relationship was a little more on the friend side of the spectrum, which is always nice to see. Also looks like there could be a Dwight and Angela reconciliation next season.

Shake-Ups: Stanley actually has a good time at a work-related event that doesn’t involve free pretzels. And, oh yeah. Could Pam be pregnant?! What else would put those happy tears in Jim’s eyes?

Tumor count: none that we know of.

Possible Spin-off: Holly and Michael’s Movie Hour, in which Holly Flax and Michael Scott reinact recent blockbuster movies. Star Trek, anyone?

—-

Chuck, Chuck vs. the Ring

Break-Ups: Chuck and the spy world, briefly. Bryce and life permanently (as far as we can tell. He did come back from the dead once before). Chuck and Ellie, briefly (and not like that gutter-brains. A girl’s got a right to be mad at her brother when his secret spy life destroys her wedding plans, even if Jeffster’s impromptu Mr. Roboto performance was a glorious sight.)

Make-Ups: Chuck and Ellie, because that gorgeous beach wedding was the perfect I’m-sorry-I-screwed-up-your-other-wedding gift. Chuck and the Intersect 2.0 (3.0? How many Intersects are there?). Boy’s got kung-fu skills, y’all! Kick ass.

Shake-Ups: Chuck downloads the newest Intersect. Not only does Chuck have all those sketchy government secrets bouncing around in his skull, he’s now got special abilities. Stephen Bartowski, Chuck and Ellie’s father, has an Intersect in his brain, too.

Tumor count: none, but Daddy B went all pale and shaky after his Intersect flash. Things don’t look stellar for him, health-wise.

Possible Spin-Off: Major Casey’s Major Weddings, in which Casey, with the help of his team of special-op military men, plans the big day for lucky couples.

—–

Grey’s Anatomy
Break-Ups:  George and Seattle Grace, briefly, as George enlists to be an Army doctor. George and life, possibly permanently, as he promptly gets run over by a bus and causes a situation that’s suspiciously similar to an ER episode. Izzie and her tumor, permanently. Izzie and life, possibly permanently.

Make-Ups:  George and Seattle Grace.  I mean, he got hit by a bus, y’all.  Where else was he gonna go?

Shake-Ups:  Izzie loses a tumor, but gains a short-term memory problem (that’s suspiciously a lot like 50 First Dates).  She and George might be dead.  Right now, they’re just hanging out together in an elevator. Meredith and Derek get married via Post-It notes. I know this isn’t covered in med school, but Post-It note marriages aren’t recognized in the state of…well, any state in the Union.

Tumor Count:  One.  That is, until Derek slices it out.  And yes, he got all of it.  Buh-bye ghost-sex-enducing tumor.  We’ll miss you.  Er, well, actually, we’ll just miss Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Possible Spin-Offs: If Wishes Were Tumors, in which Izzie’s ghost-sex causing brain tumor eats the brains of the most annoying characters on other tv shows. We Stole This From ER, in which writers of various dramas watch endless hours of ER, rip off different plots and rework them.

—-

Dollhouse, Omega
Break-Ups: Ballard and Mellie, who is actually November who is actually Madeleine. Caroline and life, briefly. Ballard and the FBI, possibly permanently.

Make-Ups:  Ballard and the Dollhouse, as Ballard becomes a consultant or some shit to help Adele and co. find Alpha.

Shake-Ups:  Claire is a doll! CLAIRE IS A DOLL!  Why the eff couldn’t they have spent more time on this story? Alan Tudyk’s ripped bod. Sweet baby Jesus. I didn’t know Wash had it in him.

Tumor Count: None yet, but we’re banking that all that mucking around in people’s brains can’t be good long-term

Possible Spin-Off:  Scientifically Programmed Killers, in which Alpha and Echo decide they like their Mickey and Mallory alter egos and go on a twisted killing/love-making spree.

Weekly Wrap-up

This isn’t a what we loved/what we hated list. I have a lot of hate for a certain show which is dead to me (DEAD TO ME FOREVER, and no, I don’t want to talk about it), and I wanted to focus on the happy. So this is a Weekly Wrap-Up of the stuff we liked, with a few criticisms thrown in, just because. –ab

TV:

The Office
amelie: I kind of adored this episode. It was light and fun and there was no real drama. I agree with Michael–Cafe Disco is a magical place. I think Erin, the new receptionist, is adorable. She fits in well with the Scranton crew without trying too hard. And she has fun in the office, you can tell. I still can’t figure out why Dwight had to take his shirt off to give Phyllis a horse massage, though…

Favorite Moment: Kelly and Andy’s dance-off.

kegger:  At the beginning of this episode, I was thinking, man, Michael’s REALLY having a hard time getting back into the groove of things at Dunder Mifflin.  But THEN, he invented Cafe Disco.  And then I was like, oh, Michael, you’re awesome.  Loved it!  [Completely Unrelated Side note:  Does anyone else think think that Ryan's next issue is going to be an eating disorder?  Since he was all like, "I've discovered since becoming a temp again that food is the only thing I can control."?  Thoughts?]

amelie: He’s totally going to get an eating disorder. And Kelly and Andy’s new friendship is going to exacerbate things.

How I Met Your Mother

amelie: Stella is not the mother. Let me say that one more time. Stella is not the mother. She’s integral to Ted finding the mother, but she ain’t it. $5 says I’m right. In other news, Barney is a man whore, and, oh yeah, Barney loves Robin.

I have to say, as much as I enjoyed this week’s episode (the non-linear explanation of Ted getting to that particular corner at that particular time was brilliant, vintage HIMYM funnage), I miss Lily so much. There was this gaping hole in the Intervention scene, and it hurt. Come back, Lilypad. The gang needs you. (Slightly off topic, but kegger, if you ever need a cheap gift for me, I wouldn’t say no to an Intervention banner.)

Favorite Moment: Marshall’s Venn diagram of Cecilia (people who are breaking my heart/people who are shaking my confidence daily. Oh, Cecilia. I’m down on my knees. From laughter.)

kegger:  I’m going to seriously be pissed if Stella is the mother (which she’s totally not) because I hold grudges and that bitch left Ted at the altar.  That’s all I have to say about that.  And omg, LOVE Marshall and his charts!  But yeah.  I, too, miss Lily.

Pushing Daisies

amelie: Man. Just, man. You know who sucks? ABC. ABC is a bunch of rat bastards from hell and I hope they suffer. I managed to get my hands on the final three episodes (I have kickass friends) and they were awesomely bittersweet. I appreciate Bryan Fuller and how he wrapped everything up, but I want more. There’s this rule of good writing: show, don’t tell. I know the constraints of a short season and getting the can made this difficult, but I want to SEE how it plays out. I mean, I’m glad I was told how it goes down, but it’s not the same. I’m really going to miss the Pie Hole and all its peeps.

I’m not complaining. I’m really not. I was satisfied and happy with how it ended. I’m just frustrated that it had to end at all, I guess.

kegger:  Haven’t seen it yet.    One day….

Music

Metric, Fantasies

amelie: This is a fun, kind of mellow, kind of weird album, and I like it.
Favorite Song: “Twilight Galaxy”

kegger:  I freaking love this entire album.  It makes me bounce my head.
Favorite Songs:  “Blindness,” “Help I’m Alive,” and “Twilight Galaxy”

Yeah Yeah Yeah’s, It’s Blitz!

kegger:  I haven’t listened to it quite as much as I’ve listened to the Metric album, but I still love it so far.
Favorite Songs:  “Heads Will Roll” and “Hysteria”

amelie: I’ve been listening to this one, too, but I haven’t heard enough of it to have a favorite song.

The Clash, London Calling

amelie: I’ve been going through an old-school phase lately, and this has been on heavy rotation on my iPod. I really enjoy this album. I don’t have any concrete reason, I just think it’s awesome.
Favorite Song: “Lost in the Supermarket”

Books

amelie: I still haven’t read anything worth talking about. I really need to look into that.

kegger: I’m currently in a YA phase.  I just finished reading The Summoning by um… Kelley Armstrong, I think?  Not bad.  Very quick read (as in, I started and finished it on the same night).  I’m also reading Jesus for President, by Shane Clairborne.  It’s a very pretty book.  You should totally go look at it in a bookstore, because it’s pretty and artistic and fun.

Movies

Leatherheads

amelie: Eh. It was okay. John Krasinski is adorable, and George Clooney is still one of the most handsome men ever. But I felt like this movie was trying too hard. It wanted to capture the sparkle and fun of the Katharine Hepburn/Carey Grant movies like “Bringing Up Baby” and “Philadelphia Story”, but it failed spectacularly. The convoluted war story tied in with professional football…I didn’t get it. And, honestly, I’d rather watch Katharine Hepburn eat kitty litter than just about anything Renee Zellwegger has done lately. Um. Was that mean?

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

kegger:  It’s about what you’d expect, being a Kevin Smith movie and all.  But I DO have to say that while I’m a fan of Seth Rogen, he’s beginning to seem like the same character in every single movie he’s been in lately.  Anyway, it’s a pretty good movie.  Lots of boobs.  Lots of ass.  We even see a wang, and some balls.  The only thing I was slightly dissatisfied with was the ending.  It was a happy ending, but the whole point of the movie was that Zack and Miri were making a porno, right?  Well, I won’t ruin it, but I’ll just say that the movie seemed slightly unfinished.  But it was decent, and good for a laugh.

Quantum of Solace

kegger:  It was TOTALLY not a James Bond movie.  He only got one girl (he’s at LEAST supposed to bang two girls per movie!  That’s like, a rule or something!), he had NO cool, fancy gadgets, and he was dark and broody.  I’m sorry, but James Bond is NOT dark and broody.  He’s a man whore who likes cool gadgets and Aston Martin cars.  Jason Bourne is dark and broody.  Not James Bond.  But, if you pretend that it’s not a James Bond movie, it’s not bad, I guess.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

kegger:  (I know, I know, I’ve watched an assload of movies this week.  Sue me.  It was rainy, and I couldn’t go outside!)  Meh.  That’s all I have to say.  The movie was just meh.  First off, Keaun Reeve’s character is coming to earth to kill humanity because we’re killing the planet.  But then he goes and saves people and stuff.  Why, if you’re just going to off them, anyway?  It was stupid, and it didn’t add up.  And that’s all I have to say about that.

amelie: Where did you find time to watch all those movies?!

kegger: I watched ALL of those movies on Sunday afternoon.  You know, since it was raining all freaking day.  And also because we’d been sitting on 3 Netflix rentals for over a week.  So… yeah.  We just got rid of them all at once.

—

&  

Horsing around!

After watching the Kentucky Derby (for like, the first time EVER), I noticed that all of those horses have pretty ridiculous names.  I mean, seriously.  “Mine That Bird”?  What kind of name is that?*

So I started thinking, what would I name my horse if it was in the Kentucky Derby?  It obviously has to be a stupid name, judging by all of the other Derby horse’s names.  So amelie and I, being the procrastinators that we are, decided to come up with Derby horse names instead of working!  And here’s our list:

Turd Baby

I Eat Babies

Shut Your Cakehole

Farts A Lot

Homestretch

You’re a Loser

Sperm For Sale (for the studs)

I’m For Sale (for the mares)

Knock Me Up

Suck It Losers

Eat My Dust

Easy Rider

Ball Buster

*Just so you know, we aren’t making fun of horses, horse racing, or jockeys or horse owners. All we are saying is that some of the names are silly–like dog show dogs and their own brand of silly names. We’re sure there’s a reason for having long, goofy names. If anyone allowed kegger and me name horses, those names would be dirty and goofy.

—

&  

Weekly Wrap-Up

Fucking finally, right?

What we loved:
Television
Chuck:
amelie: CHUCK. A million, trillion, billionty times, I love Chuck. But more important than my love of Chuck is the fact that Casey loves Chuck (we already knew that Sarah loves Chuck. That’s not news.) He still hates being Team Chuck’s little fat kid, and I think that’s adorable. I want a Casey in my life. I have a feeling he’d kill spiders for me in a second.

kegger: CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK!  I’m going to be so pissed if this show is cancelled.  And I flipping LOVE Casey and Awesome.  And Chuck.  And Sarah.  And hell.  Everyone else, too.  I could go on for about 15 minutes about Chuck, but I’m going to stop now. (Ahem.  If you haven’t seen Chuck yet, you should totally click on one of the bazillion hyperlinks I added and watch a few dozen episodes.)

The Office:
amelie: Oh, The Office, how I’ve missed you. I haven’t really been feeling the love this season, but last night was brilliant: the return of awesome, competent Jim; Charles getting schooled in the ways of Dwight; the “idiot” ringtone; Ryan not being a total douchebag asshole…I could go on. But I won’t.

kegger: I loved Jim in this episode.  And yay, Charles is gone!  Finally!  I think.  And so awesome that instead of taking the $60,000, Michael got all of their jobs back.  And I hope Ryan keeps his “totally natural” blonde hair for a while, because every time I see it, it makes me giggle. Although I do have to say, I STILL don’t buy Angela crushing on Charles. I just don’t see it.

Party Down:

kegger: Okay, so I admit that I haven’t seen this week’s episode of Party Down yet, but I don’t care.  I flipping love this show, and if you don’t have Starz, you should totally watch it on Netflix.  The pilot ep was just okay.  After that, the show turned into all kinds of awesome.

amelie: I’m a week or so behind on Party Down, but I have loved every episode I’ve seen so far. Why aren’t you watching it?

Music

kegger: Missy Higgins–Okay, so the CD isn’t exactly new, but I just kind of discovered it on my iPod this week, and it’s mellow and great.  My two favorite songs are “Forgive Me” and “Warm Whispers.”

amelie: The Lonely Island–I’ve had Incredibad for a couple of weeks, and I still love it. It’s dirty and funny and ridiculous. My new favorite thing is to drive with the windows down and blast “I’m On a Boat” as loud as I can take it.

kegger: I’m on a boat, mothafucka!

amelie: Don’t you ever forget!

Books

kegger: I’m in a YA phase right now for some reason.  Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins is definitely worth a read.  Based on the description on the inside flap, I was just, meh.  But then I read it and loved it.  I’m looking forward to the sequel.

amelie: I’m not reading anything worth talking about, so moving on.

What we hated:

Television:

amelie: NBC is On Notice for even considering canceling Chuck. I’m still so pissed at ABC for the Pushing Daisies fiasco that I refuse to watch Castle (or maybe I just forget that it’s on because my Mondays are already stacked with awesome shows. I’ll never tell.) Consider this a pre-empitive hate, which I am more than willing to turn into a love if NBC nuts up and does the right thing.

Movies:

kegger: “House“–Whatever you do, don’t rent this.  It’s awful.  It’s horrible.  It can’t decide what it wants to be.  Does it want to be all creepy, or mystery-like, or ghosty, or WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???!!!!  I mean… seriously.  Don’t watch it.  I was actually paying attention, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I was all like, “Huh?  Why is chick like, drowning under a slab of ice in a closet?!?” and stuff.  Not to mention, you really shouldn’t name your movie House when there’s already a popular show named House.  AND, can I just say that movies really need to work on getting the South right?  The architecture for that house was so off.  And so were their accents.  Just because we’re from the South doesn’t mean we’re creepy inbred rednecks, y’all.  And if we WERE creepy inbred rednecks, we’d be living in trailer parks.  Not in mansions.  Maybe you should actually, I don’t know, VISIT Montgomery, Alabama and see what it’s actually like there before you start making movies about it.

amelie: Creepy Inbred Rednecks is so the name of my imaginary band. I wasn’t even aware this was a movie until you started griping about how much it sucks. No movies to hate on this week for me. Ooh–can I hate on the 30 seconds of “Twilight” you made me watch? Because I really hated it.

kegger: You can count the 30 seconds of “Twilight” that I made you watch.  They really were the worst 30 seconds of the entire show.  He was supposed to look like he wanted to EAT her (dirty!) when he first smelled her.  Not like he wanted to vomit.

amelie: Heh. Eat her.

Pee Ess: I have edited this stupid thing forty bajillion times, and the size is still all wonky. I call shenanigans. Sorry.

—

&  

Party Down Recap

For all you lovely people out there who can’t watch Party Down, I recapped the pilot episode for you. If you like it enough, I’ll do more.

Willow Canyon Homeowner’s Party

Meet Ron, head of the Party Down catering crew. Ron would like to share with you Party Down’s simple motto: It’s your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you’re worried that the shrimp cocktail has been sitting out too long or if there’s enough ice or do the guests think the party’s lame, are they stealing stuff…and somehow this motto becomes about Ron’s sobriety and…You know what, Ron? I’m going to stop this bout of verbal diarrhea, if it’s all the same to you. Next time, go for something short, like “Party down with Party Down!”

What? I never said I was an advertising professional. Go watch Mad Men if you’re looking for a good slogan.

Friendship Over

Dear Facebook,

We need to talk.

I think we should see other people. It’s not me, it’s you. I feel like we’ve grown apart. We’re different people now, and it’s time for me to move on. Even though I stuck with you through your many face-lifts, I can’t sit by any longer and watch you turn yourself into a junked-up, over-populated MySpace clone.

I know I wasn’t as patient or supportive as I could have been, but now is not the time for regrets. I’ve tried to be understanding of your obsessive need to update my feed with quiz results, and now I feel like all I do is nag. “Stop with the quiz results, honey. I don’t care what Peanuts character you are. No, I don’t really want to know what mother-smurfing Smurf you are. Jesus, STOP WITH THE QUIZZES!” That’s not healthy for either of us.

It’s not just the quizzes, though. Your highlights are really more like don’t-care-lights. I’m a little sick of you asking me “What’s on your mind?” I don’t always have profound thoughts, Facebook. You should know that by now. Asking me “What’s on your mind?” only serves to remind me how shallow I am and puts me in a bad mood when I try and fail to think of something clever.

You know what’s not fun, Facebook? Having to change my privacy settings to keep things private from my family and coworkers. When we met, you were a fun way for me to keep up with my FRIENDS, not every Joe Blow who bumped into me on the street, not everybody I work with, attend church with, or see in the grocery store. You were fun. You were cool. But your insatiable need to grow and expand has left me feeling cold and alone and neglected. I miss the old you.

I know we said it was forever, but people change. I think we got too serious, too fast. I want something a little less stressful and cluttered, which is why I’ve been Twittering a lot lately. I’m sorry if that hurts you, Facebook, but it’s the truth. I just feel like Twitter understands me better than you do, even though you and I have history.

No matter what, I do want you to be happy. I would say that we can still be friends, but I’ve already deleted you.

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